Tuesday, May 27, 2008


The Phillies offense seems to be heating up with the weather, as they've dropped 35 runs in the past 2 games. Expect that to continue. Our friend Kalas Thoughts wisely tempered my enthusiasm by reminding me that the Fightin's really won't go anywhere unless they add another reliable starter. But isn't it conceivable that they could just outhit teams 66% of the time from here on out? Definitely.

While it's all feel-good for the Phils, the same can't be said in New York, where the guillotine blade draws ever closer to Willie Randolph's neck. Yankee fans don't have too much to cheer about either, as this fan points out:

So much more articulate than Mets fans. I actually like this guy.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Philadelphia Sports Hall of Shame: Jocelyn's Back Deck Edition

I was asked to share my thoughts on the 10 worst Philly athletes of all time. What started as observations on Philly's most forgetful, turned into a bad trip down the dark memory lane that is Broad Street. We spent a lot of our time at the Vet.

...Thanks to Shwinny for the invitation and everyone else for their suggestions. 1st time blogger so go easy on me. This rides about to get bumpy. Here we go...

Philadelphia Sports Hall of Shame:
Jocelyn’s Back Deck Edition

10. Curt Schilling: The bloody sock and his affiliation with the Red Sox. The constant whining. His vocal support of the Bush Administration. If you can’t find a reason to hate this self-absorbed asshole, then you ain’t looking. But let’s stick to the Philly years.

Hey, Curt. Take the fuckin’ towel off your face and be a good teammate. This me-first shmuck refused to watch Mitch Williams throw off the mound in the ’93 World Series, and years later the whole world realizes it was just to get more face time.

After justifiably getting ripped on by Larry Andersen and Danny Jackson for the incident, Curt came back a year later with a solid 2-8 record with a 4.48 ERA.

Bottom Line: Asshole, Tool, Hack, Idiot. Are we sure Curt wasn’t describing himself when he used these words to describe the Boston Globe’s Dan Shaugnessy?

9. Charles Shackleford: Aside from being pals with Rae “Don’t Call Me Lewis” Carruth, taking bribes as a player at N.C. State, “Shack” is best known as one of the worst players to ever grace the NBA Hardwood (and there have been a few slugs to play since Naismith nailed up the peach basket).

Need I add more?

Bottom Line: How many games did the Sixers lose that season?

8. Billy Wagner: Once told reporters that fans need to cut him a break after getting booed for topping off at 99. Hey, Billy, is the word sarcasm left out of dictionaries in Wonderfuck, VA?

Huge. Fucking. Pussy. Subsuquently, fits in nicely in Queens. An overall disappointment for the Phils. An even bigger disappointment for the Mutts.

Statistically speaking, Billy’s numbers with the Phils weren’t too bad, but the home run Wagner surrendered to Biggio in the last frame of an important game in 2005 would be the difference as the Astros took the Wild Card from the Phils by 1 game.

Bottom Line: Billy’s found a way to work a Patriots hat into his wardrobe, maybe he needs to ask Belichick for some other ways to get a competitive edge as the wheels are falling off for Willie’s boys.

7. Shawn Bradley: They said he was going to revolutionize the game, and how true they were. The minute the ping-pong ball came up red and blue, it was $44 Million dollars down the drain. He spent two years in Australia as a Mormon missionary, but I think it’s safe to say Shawn never saw the light.

Bottom Line: Harold Katz’s boy-wonder matured into a career line of 8.1 PPG and 6.3 RPG.

6. Mike Mamula: His most infamous sack came in 1997, but we’re not talking about a hit on Troy Aikman, rather a charge of indecent exposure and lewdness. At an Allentown Bar during training camp, Mamula flashed a waitress who refused to serve him after last call.

The definition of an NFL combine fraud, Mamula was plagued by knee problems for much of his short career with the Eagles. Mamula had no problems dropping pants, but he sure had issues dropping into pass coverage for Ray Rhodes.

I remember being hungover one Sunday morning in Newton, MA feeling pretty lousy. It was after Boston College thwacked the Nittany Lions in what had to be one of the worst collective offensive performances of the decade. My stomach was trying to hide from my body like Zach Mills getting chased by Mathius Kiwanuka. However, after seeing a Mamula #59 jersey encased in a shrine at this yuppie haven, I immediately felt better knowing that the days of Mamula are history.

Bottom Line: I hear # 59 midnight green jerseys are still 80% off at the Granite Run Mall.

5. Mitch Williams: How could I leave Wild Thing off this list? While you probably didn’t crawl into your top-bunk and bury your head in your pillow and cry like a 6-year old when Joe Carter trotted around the Sky Dome base paths, you haven’t forgotten this regrettable move by Fregosi.

To make matters worse, Williams couldn’t even cut it as coach. Fired as the coach of the Atlantic City Surf for poor people skills and sloppy paperwork, Mitch is back in Philadelphia as part of the Phillies post-game show.

But, don’t think Williams has lost his edge. Just weeks ago, Williams re-earned the Wild moniker by cursing out a female ref at his daughter’s basketball game. Did I mention she’s in 5th grade?

Bottom Line: While Williams will be remembered as Philadephia’s Bill Buckner, any fan with half a brain knows it was Fregosi’s fault for throwing him in there.

4. Jose Mesa: Carlos Zambrano’s older, fatter, angrier brother, Mesa’s name is synonomous with wild pitches and that clashing Expo-blue glove. We all remember the summer of ’02 where Mesa seemed on a mission to destroy late-game leads.

And then there is the famous knock on Omar Vizquel, "Even my little boy told me to get him. If I face him 10 more times, I'll hit him 10 times. I want to kill him."

Bottom Line: With 75 career wild pitches, Joe Table is tops all-time among relievers in that category.

3. Travis Lee & Omar Daal: Let’s start with Lee. Sure, part of me is glad that we got rid of Schilling, but has there ever been a bigger offensive hole at 1B than the one created by the acquisition of Travis Lee?

Maybe the most apathetic player to ever suit up in red pinstripes not named Abreu.

As far as Daal goes, they said we traded away Curt Schilling to the Diamondbacks for a bag of baseballs, but in perspective it looks much worse than this.

This product of the trade’s fastball barely broke 80. He lacked control and command. If Bud Selig really wants to put more fans in the seats, he should find a way to get this home run factory back in game. Too bad for us, Daal is currently living in Arizona where he coaches his sons travel team. Yeah, we here those kids suck too.

Bottom Line: While at least Lee carried a glove, Daal was helpless in 2001 giving up a whopping total of 26 HRs. And this is when we played at the Vet.

2. Adam Eaton: Upon acquiring Eaton before the 2007 season, I had a friend once tell me that Eaton (overpaid after an average season in San Diego) was a good pitcher and would help lead the Phils to the playoffs. That same person told me that John Lieber would win 15 games with the Cubs in 2008.

Almost two years later and it seems that Eaton is doing everything in his power to prevent a Phillies team loaded with 3 MVPs (and we’re just talking infield here) from winning getting back to October.

Bottom Line: In 30 appearances with the Phils in 2007, Eaton maintained a solid 6.29 ERA. 5.40 in 2008 and the summer bats haven’t even heated up. Yo, Uncle Chuck. You reading?

1.Turk Wendell: Where do I start? Only a player like Turk could make a fan favorite for Los Mets faithful at Shea. Traded to the Phillies in 2001, Wendell (along with Dan Plesac) did his best to sabotage playoff hopes for Philly’s most faithful.

Whether it was the fondling of the rosin bags, the tooth brushing between innings, the outlandish comments (after plunking Vlad Guerrero, who took offense, Wendell told him he could "go back to the Dominican and find another line of work" if he didn't like it) the black licorice, or that ridiculous fuckin’ necklace, we all remember #99 (worn in honor of Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn”) well.

On a more positive note, let’s give Turk credit where it’s due. He wasn’t afraid to speak out against steroids abuse, once claiming that “of course” his then-teammate Sammy Sosa used steroids. (What’s next, a revelation that Garrett Reid is really into abandoned apartments and the Velvet Underground?). As well, Wendell visited troops overseas in Afghanistan in 2006 as part of the MLB’s “Heroes of the Diamond Tour.” While it is not known whether there is a correlation between this visit and the surge in troop deaths, I’m hearing that Reyes jerseys are selling like hot-cakes at Modell’s across Kabul.

Bottom Line: 7.47 ERA and 2.01 WHIP with the Phils in 2001. Maybe he should have stepped on the chalk after all.

Honorable Mention

Roberto Hernandez: Roberto Horrendous was awful for the Phils, and to make things worse, had the nerve to rip the fans after being here for like a month. Are you kidding me?

J.D. Drew: Still haven’t replaced my basement TV’s remote control batteries.

Armon Gilliam: What’s stinking up the Sixers offense? Just ask Sir Charles. Reporters did after a loss at the Spectrum, and Barkley proceeded to pinch his nose and point in Gilliam’s direction.

Torrence Small & Charles Johnson: Even by throwing these two together and you still don’t have half the receiver that FredEx was. Killed us in the 2001 NFC Title game.

Kevin Millwood: “Another episode of Deadwood tonight.” – 610’s John Gargano, prior to every Milwood start.

Todd Pinkston: If I have to give an explanation here, you obviously weren’t watching the 2003 NFC Championship game.

….So Misunderstood

I know I'm not alone in having a soft spot for these guys...

Freddie Mitchell: Hall of Shame? Try Hall of Fame for 4th and 26 alone. Blacklisted by Reid & Co. from the NFL, I know I’m not alone in saying I’d welcome the return of The People’s Champ any time

Scott Rolen: Busted his ass day in and day out for the Phils. Unfortunately, the media fueled the negativity towards him.

Eric Lindros: Sure, Forsberg, Ricci, and Duschane weren’t worth dealing for Eric, but he helped take us to the cup. Concussions took him to the golf course.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A Sensible Mets Fan?

This man gets promoted from Mets Schlub to Mets Nerd.

Cleveland Rocks, and by Rocks I mean Sucks

Sports Illustrated recently ran an article about Philly's athletic futility, commemorating the 100th combined season without a championship for the city's four pro sports teams. Hopefully, the SI cover jinx and tendency to always be wrong in their preseason predictions will create some good karma for us. I would rather read an negative SI story about Philadelphia than see McNabb on the NFL Preview issue.

What this article misses, however, is a city which fails harder than Jimmy Fallon in every movie he's ever been in. Even with only 3 teams, Cleveland, Ohio has managed to avoid winning anything for a combined 129 YEARS. The last time they won was in 1964, when the Browns won the NFL title. Aside from loser sports teams, Cleveland's weather is shitty, Drew Carey is fat, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (somehow) is the exact opposite of awesome.

Not funny to boot:

What is this, a skyline or something?

But hey, I'll take the negative publicity for Philly. It'll make it so much sweeter when the Eagles pimp that Lombardi Trophy down Broad Street.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

The Curse Lives On

Well... at least it wasn't a heartbreaker. You knew the Flyers were going to lose this one from the second they took that penalty in the 1st period. Timonen was back, but it didn't matter. Even a healthy Braydon Coburn, or Simon Gagne, would not have made a difference in this one.

The Penguins are simply a phenomenal collection of talent, a club for whom the stars have aligned once again. Marc-Andre Fleury is 23. Evgeni Malkin is 21. Sydney Crosby is 20. Jordan Staal is 19. That's RIDICULOUS. This group has the chance to surpass what Mario and Jaromir "Luigi" Jagr accomplished in the early 90's, winning back-to-back Cups in '91 and '92. No, we are looking at a potential dynasty more along the lines of the Gretzky-Messier-Kurri-Coffey led Oilers of the 80's.

Here's a picture of a barely concealed Mark Messier groping an autograph-seeking Gary Coleman to illustrate my point.

How did the Penguins get so good so fast? Well, it's probably because they were really bad for a really long time. A few straight years of drafting the #1 overall pick will eventually lead to a reversal in fortune, as we are seeing right now with the Tampa Bay Rays of MLB. But the fact that Pittsburgh's young guns are this good this soon is a scary thing for every team playing in the Atlantic Division.

So, where do the the Flyers go from here? The gap between the top-end talent on display for Pittsburgh and the Flyers should not discourage Philly fans, because reinforcement should be on the way. Down on the farm, forward Claude Giroux was the QMJHL's MVP in 2008, and should have a good chance of making the big club this fall. Another Flyers prospect, Middletown, NJ native James vanRiemsdyk, is developing nicely and will also have a shot to be on the roster in 2008-09. In Martin Biron, the Flyers finally have a true #1 goalie, despite the six goals he allowed on Sunday. The fragile yet super-fast Simon Gagne should be back as well to team with fellow Quebecois Danny Briere, a partnership that never materialized in 2007-08 due to Gagne's injury.

Flyers' prospect Claude Giroux:

The Flyers could use more depth at D next year, as their thin blue-line corps was exposed and exploited in the Pittsburgh series. Aside from that though, there is nothing really special the Flyers must do to return to the NHL's final four next year. Mike Richards had a breakthrough season, and is destined to wear the "C". Jeff Carter, RJ Umberger, Scottie Upshall, and Joffrey Lupul aren't going anywhere. The heart of this team is young, and should be back contending for the Cup in 2008-09. And when they get there, they might be facing a familiar foe.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Vengeance... Now?

Yayyy the Flyers won a game, and the Penguins fans who brought brooms to the Wok Center can shove them up they asses. The Flyers came out too fast and too furious, putting 3 goals up and showing the Penguins some old time Flyers pride. Where that fire and passion was in games 1,2, and 3 is anyone's guess. Once again it was a roller coaster ride in the 2nd and 3rd, as the Flyers seemed a little anxious chasing down the speedy Pens. Until Game 4, the bigger Flyers hadn't so much as touched Crosby and co., so it was nice to see the physical activity and overall intensity return to the ice. Pittsburgh is a ridiculous 7-0 at home in the playoffs, but they're going to have a game on their hands on Sunday.

One big advantage the Flyers have is in the playoff beard department. Jeff Carter, Derian Hatcher, and Scott Hartnell are among the Orange and Black sporting the facial fur coat. The Penguins players may or may not have beards, I don't know off the top of my head. But all their key players seem incapable of growing facial hair. Malkin, who looks like he has Down syndrome, should be ashamed of himself for not having a beard, as a Russian. And Crustache Crosby may have one of the dirtiest upper lips in Western Pennsylvania, and that's saying something. I couldn't find a good picture of his mustache so here is Crosby at the launch of his fabulous fashion line.

If the Flyers can come out with the same fury in the first period of Game 5, then they have a chance. If they take bad penalties and let the Penguins skate, they can expect to be on the golf course Monday morning. But I maintain my prediction:


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Around the NFC East

2 years removed from narrowely losing his job, Coach Coughlin leads his defending champion NY Football Giants into the 2008 season in hopes of continuing the hot streak that resulted in them hoisting the Lombardi Tropy. It is more than likely DCoordinators Steve Spagnola's last year with them team, as he will more than likely move on to the greener pastures of a head coaching....49ers/Rams/Raiders?

Eli has proved he was worth the #1 pick and now look to become a more consistent QB that is as good as big brother. Behind him you have the Hefty Lefty, David Carr and rookie Andre Woodson....it's probably the end of the road for the Pillsbury Throwboy. The run game will be powered by the 3 headed monster of Jacobs, Bradshaw, and Ward. Shockey could have a break out season as he was not moved in the offseason and Boss should continue to develop. Plaxico is a proven stud, Amani Toomer is getting closer and closer to declaring for Social Security, Sinorice Moss did abolutely nothing his rookie year (doubtful he will follow through on his promise to have "a break thru year this year") and David Tyrees career peaked with the catch. The Giants drafted giggle-bush smoking Mario Manningham who has seemed to be getting worse and worse after leaving Michigan. This group benefited much more from a strong run game then people realize. However, as long as the oline stays healthy and Eli is consistent, the Giants should have no trouble moving the ball on offense.
Michael Strahan is still mulling retirement, and word on the street is that Osi is quietly pining for a new contract...which does not fair well for the Giant due to the massive contracts thrown at his position to Dwight Freeney and Jared "Wine 'Em, Dine 'Em, 69 'Em" Allen http://blogs.pitch.com/plog/2008/03/jared_allens_a_club_dedicated_to_the_man_--_and_to_all_things_69.php
Kawika Mitchell was lost to Buffalo, Antonio Pierce is a year older and Mathias Kiwanuka is sitll unproven at LB. Unless you see some incredible play from the interior line in Coefield, Robbins and Alford (whom, on a side note, I had GeoSci20 with as a freshman at Penn State...if you can call Jay showing up 1 time all semester as "going to class"...but hey, when you're rich, you don't write checks, Straight Cash Homey!) the Giants LBs will become a liability for the Defense. Aaron Ross, who was slowly weened into the defense, looks to be legit, while Sam Madison is garbage. Gibril Wilson was lost to the Black Hole of Oakland and thus rookie Kenny Phillips will be expected to step right in and play. Phillips will be wearing #21 in honor of fallen fellow Miami Hurricane Sean Taylor. If the d-ends continue to wreak havoc on quarterbacks, the secondary should easily holtheir own.
The Giants did not field a "great team" last year but knew what to do to win games when it counted. If they can stay healthy, they should easily make the playoffs but will have trouble duplicating last years success.

Get Flyered Up

It's only happened in hockey history twice - and three times in the history of American pro sports. Coming back from a 3-0 deficit in a best-of-7 series happens about as often as [insert obscure reference here].

It happened in 1942, when the Toronto Maple Leafs turned the trick against Detroit. It happened in 2004, when the Red Sox (back when they were the good guys) stunned a dying New York Yankees dynasty in the ALCS. The last time it happened was in 1975, when the Pittsburgh Penguins blew a 3-0 series lead against the upstart New York Islanders. Interestingly enough, the Islanders nearly pulled it off again in the next round, forcing a 7th game but losing to the eventual Stanley Cup Champions: The Philadelphia Flyers.

While history may suggest that the odds are against the Flyers, there is still hope for the orange and black. All it takes is one bounce to go our way, to stem the tide of injuries that have prevented the Flyers from being able to skate with the slick Pens. Conventional wisdom may suggest that it's impossible to stop two superstars like Crosby and Malkin without your top 2 defensemen. But I've never been one to worry about history or conventional wisdom. Flyers in 7.

Observe the wrath of Philly: below, a Flyers fan hops in the box to rumble with legendary douchebag, Tie Domi.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Offseason? What offseason...

Well it's that time of year again...sorta...if rookie minicamps and OTA's constitute the "start" of NFL preseason. For those die hard fans out there like myself, you found yourself looking for any and all NFL news related stories to get a good jump on the start Fantasy Football season (or just b/c you are looking for any way to pass the time while in your cube/personal workspace/box with no windows)

But anyways...

Finishing 8-8, the Eagles finished @ the bottom of the NFC East (still not too shabby considering one could make the case that the division is the toughest in the league) and didnt leave much for the fans to talk about. Once again, B-West carried the team, Reid justified his stance that he WRs are good enough with Curtis lodging 1000+ yards receiving and Donovan didn't look like D-Mac of young.
obviously, the o-line while dominant at times, is now 1 year old. runyan and tra (and yes, he changed it back to tra) thomas are in the last year of their deals and are eeking closer and closer to retirement. herremans and andrews should me mainstays in the middle...look for hte possibility of the big kid kicking out to tackle after next year. he played the position, where he protected Jags now converted white boy WR. @ backup you have some bodies that could be servicable. Jean-gillis should improve and winston justice needs to get in and play again. @ RB you have Westbrook and the newly acquired Lorenzo Booker...whom the eagles coveted since last year when he was taken in the 2nd by the 'fins. Parcells wants to assert his dominance with the #1 pick in Jake Long (and his terrible, terrible tattoo) and establish a power run game Miami and booker didn't fit the bill. bucky and hunt will compete, but look for the eagles to stay with youth. moats, who is surprisingly still on the team after being on IR last year, will be cut. You will see lots of packages with both Book and West as receiving threats out of the backfield. Chester's own dan klecko and fred davis will compete at FB.

We could see a lot out of our TEs this year. LJ was slapped, kris wilson is a is consistent and brent celek showed some flashes last year. reggie brown has never materialized past a 2, curtis has homerun ability but can't beat double teams...but this will hopefully change as desean jackson learns the offense. with his top end speed to go over the top, the true questions is whether or not he can stay healthy...(Kolb to Jackson for years to come?) he will have a lot to learn but will add value from the jump by returning punts.

the birds added one of the top prizes in F/A in Asante "Get Paid" Samuel to help increase their INT's which were the amongst the leagues lowest llast year. They have still and will use Lito during the season. No one made the eags a legitimate trade offer, so they will use him and sheldon to field a various different looks on defense. Mikell should not be starting and Dawkins is at the end. Hopefully the birds will begin to move Sheldon to safety/3rd cb more and more. Dawk is needs to be at SS and considine shouldnt be in the nfl. The LBs are a big ? with bradley moving to the middle, gaither to sam and gocong as the will. Jim Johnson likes this group and hopes he can protect them by keeping the dline fresh. @DT you have Patterson (who did not inhale), Broderick Bunkley who will be a probowler this year and rookie undersized speedster trevor laws....led the ncaa in tackles last year. exraider chris clemons and trent cole will start, with juqua (thomas) parker and abiamiri rotating in. The team thinks that they made some substanial additions to bolster the special teams with lb rocky boiman, te kris wilson and and lorenzo booker... whiched cost us quite a few games last year (so long, Reno...finally!) In terms of the draft, the eagles added DeSean Jackson, and should add some dynamics to the offense as he learns its nuances. Yes, he is under 6 foot, but his blazing speed and good hands should allow him to stretch the field and allow Donovan to get everyone involved in the offense. they also picked up carolina's #1 next year by passing on Pitt tackle Jeff Otah but looked on that sime line to take Mike McGlynn. Look for him to give Jackson a run at center. Safety Quentin Demps is a ballhawk, Wisconsin CB Jack Ike-u-gwana had first round potential before blowing out his knee so the eagles hopped on the high risk/reward with at 4th round pick. the Eagles will need to finish strong this year as their last month of football contains games with each one of their division foes. This is most likely Donovan's last year, whether the eagles win or lose. He has felt alienated as the Eagles continue to think that they have the talent to win now, but continue to invest in the future and not add legitimate "playmarkers" around him in the offseason. He will naturally go to the Bears as they passed again on taking a qb inthe draft and entrusting their team with....um....kyle orton from purdue and rex grossman, who furthers that notion that Florida cannot produce legitimate quarterbacks.) $5 to whomever can tell me the last player to go to college in Florida and be successful in the NFL. Kolb is another question mark but should have a strong cast around him by the time he takes over. He will have a lot to be considered amongst his division counterparts in eli, romo and up and coming jason campbell.

Friday, May 9, 2008

True Pheelings

From the annals of Phan contributor JK Jeezy: A Philadelphian who has had the unfortunate experience of trying to enjoy a baseball game at Shea Stadium.

Los Nueva York Mets:
(1)Worst Stadium, (2)Worst Fans, (3)Worst Team in baseball history? True

1. Anyone whose ever taken a 7 train to Shea stadium for a Los Mets game knows it is an all around terrible experience...but what they may not know is that it is in fact the worst overall baseball experience since the game was conceived. Traveling to the wasteland of Queens in a train full of Mets nerd (or mets Guidos, even worse), with no tailgating possibilities is not how god intended baseball to happen. Ironically there are much nicer stadiums in the Dominican Republic, just too bad for Los Mets roster they've got to come all the way up here to play in Shea.

2. Mets fans write the book on fair weather fans and are notoriously nerdy and unattractive. The average Mets fan shows up around the 4-5th inning and is out by the 7th no matter the score...gotta beat the traffic. And I'm not sure what it is about the school system in the ny metro area that causes all of the most unattractive, socially awkward, and shamefully nerdy children to gravitate toward Mets...but its is a problem I'd bring up to your local PTA

3. Los Mets the team...most choke artists money can buy. It would probably help them out if all signs and communication was turned into spanish...but theres only so much you can do. Though i am a baseball purest...i do a lil bit of translating myself at game
Josssseeee....Carllllooos You suck!!!

Phillies Fans Stomp A Mets Schlub

This is CLASSIC. Note the 12 weakling security nerds trying to hold that one guy down.

Los Mets Va A Ganar? Que Locura.

Check out this schlub in the Shea Stadium parking lot for Mets opening day. Oddly, he seems very optimistic about his life, despite the sad fact that he's been in the Shea Stadium parking lot since 8:30 AM in anticipation of a New York Mets game.

Schlub [n] : A person regarded as clumsy, stupid, or unattractive; a New York Mets fan

Penguins Are Weak, Stupid Animals

For everyone in Pittsburgh who claims they're a die-hard Penguins fan, shut the fuck up. Like you were outside Mellon Arena protesting when ownership was going to move the team to Nashville, and then New Orleans, and then Mexico City. Go eat some Roethlisburgers and vomit into one of those goddamn rivers. The Penguins are going to meet the same fate as those dumb birds in that movie March of the Something Something.

Ahhh, May. One of the better months in sports, as the NHL and the NBA round the bend for the playoff stretch run and the baseball season sheds its winter coat of steroid allegations and whatnot. Well, at least until Roger Clemens roofies Miley Cyrus with HGH at a Jose Canseco barbeque.

For the sake of all the hockey fans in Mobile, Alabama, let's begin with the pride and joy of the Versus television network - the NHL Playoffs! Last night, the perpetually top-seeded Red Wings of the Motor City were in cruise control against the Dallas Stars (why is there a hockey team in Texas?). The Wings, whose roster reads much like the passenger list of a 19th century immigrant ship, seem to have maintained the same style of play since 1995. Valtteri Filppula? Johan Franzen? Pretty much every name on Detroit's team is showing up as 'misspelled' as I'm typing. Regardless, the Wings won't have much trouble with the Stars, and will be tough to beat the rest of the way.

Here's what one hockey fan had to say about the playoffs, before the start of round 2:

You can tell by his haircut that he's a hockey fan. Unfortunately for this puck pundit, he's going to be wrong. More on that later.