FIGHTINS vs. BOMBERS

The Fightin' Phils vs. the Bronx Bombers. The World Fucking Champions vs. The Evil Empire. Philadelphia Phillies vs. New York Yankees. Only when digging beneath the monikers does one realize the colossal difference between the two storied franchises.

As far as old baseball teams go, the Phils and Yanks could not have less in common. The Phillies have lost more games (over 10,000) than any professional sports franchise in the history of the world. The Yankees have exerted more dominance (26 World Series) than any organization since homo sapiens dominated those bitch ass neanderthals into extinction. The Yankee legacy evokes images of Babe Ruth pointing to center field, Lou Gehrig's speech, and Reggie Jackson's magical October. Phillies lore conjures memories of the tobacco stained carpet at Veterans Stadium and seas of empty blue seats standing witness to guaranteed mediocrity.

Any meeting between these two diametric opposites draws parallels to a confrontation between David and Goliath. The Phillies and Yankees have met 10 times - ever - with the Yankees winning 9 out of those 10 games, including a 4-0 sweep in the 1950 World Series. New York has dominated interleague play since its inception; the Phillies have struggled mightily against the American League.

But this time around, the Yankees are at the height of their corporate evil, with a 1.5 billion dollar stadium standing as a pillar of greed in these hard economic times. Seemingly half of their roster is linked to the use of performance enhancing drugs. For all of their $200 million annual salary, the could not even make the playoffs last year.

This time around, the Phillies are the World Fucking Champions. And this weekend, everyone in New Yankee Stadium is going to hear about it.

Go Phils.

"We Have Lost Our Voice"

Why Do Us Suck?

...in April? I thought after winning the World Series, these guys would come out with a renewed purpose and prove to the skeptics (namely, everyone) that 2008 was no fluke. All they’ve proven so far is that April in Philadephia is a month best spent analyzing the NFL Draft. Of course, last season’s World Fucking Champions also started out 0-2, 2-4, and 4-6, before finally catching fire after the Eagles squandered yet another draft day opportunity.



They’ve been to the mountaintop, but now a larger mountain looms. It’s a peak no MLB team has scaled since the Yankees in 2000: the task of becoming back-to-back champions. They would be the city’s first back-to-back champions since the Flyers in the 70’s. But more than a civic achievement, the Broad Street Bombers winning another title could officially turn Philly into a baseball town, and get some us some goddamn national respect in the process. Even though the Fightins’ figure to bring a stronger squad to the table in 2009, the majority of pundits and experts forecasted Philly to miss the playoffs. The attitude in the sports media (Philly included) seems to be “We’ll believe it when we see it.” Well boys, let's show 'em again.

Here's a few questions and observations from the first week of the season. Feel free to comment or point out factual errors, of which there are probably several.

- Who’s that skinny black dude hitting cleanup for the Phils this year? Seriously, it took me a few seconds to realize that it was Howard and not Jimmy Rollins batting from the left side. Then again, I think all black people look the same, but that okay, because I’m Indian and we all look alike too. But Howard looks trim; that Subway diet is no joke. As I write this he is burning around 3rd base, about to score off an Ibanez liner that nailed Rockies pitcher Aaron Cook in the buttocks. Howard actually looks like an athlete, and his defensive abilities may be bearing the most fruit from his new Kate Moss physique. Fear not, fat first basemen lovers: you still have the Brewers’ Prince Fielder to ogle as his goods jiggle up and down with every slight movement.



- How long can the Phillies offense bail out the terrible starting pitching? As I write this, Man Ho Park just gave up a homer to pre-pubescent Dexter Fowler to make the score 5-1 Rockies, erasing the Phils lone run scored in the top half of the 2nd. Six games into the season, and the starting pitching has given up a huge lead to start the game in every contest. That’s absurd. Why are the Phillies not in the Jake Peavy sweepstakes? I would not be opposed to parting with Carlos Carrasco in a package deal to land the Padres ace. The starting pitching has gone from a preseason concern to a full-blown disaster in the early going. Screw "quality starts"- I’ll be happy if they can keep it to 1 run an inning.

- When did Maddawg Madson get so filthy? I love it. Ryan had never thrown above 92 in his life until last summer, when he channeled his inner warrior and became Maddawg. Madson now deals his fastball in the 96/97mph range, and has a silly changeup that makes hitters look like clowns. It’s reassuring to have him as the Bridge to Lidge, just in case the Phillies ever give them any leads to protect this year.

- Prediction: Chase Fucking Utley wins the MVP award or a batting title this year. Or both. Unless he fucking fucks it up and gets fucking injured again.

- Anyone else notice how Jon Kruk has changed his look in an effort to differentiate himself from Kenny Powers, his HBO caricature portrayed by Danny McBride? Who you kiddin' Kruk. Bring back the mullet.



- Victorino is fast at just about everything. Before I can even look up at the TV, the Flyin’ Hawaiian is already out and Utley is up. Riding the pine for team U.Suck in the WBC robbed Shane of the chance to get his timing down this spring, but he needs to be more patient in his at bats. The Phils need him and Rollins to set the table so the big boys can eat.

- Charlie Manuel will need to keep the team together. Faced with the prospect of sitting Hamels due to the cover boy’s elbow issues, and without the luxury of a deep ‘pen due to Romero’s 50 game suspension/vacation, Cholly and Dubee will have to make the most of what they have in April and May. The decision to hit Werth in between Howard and Ibanez seems like a genius, if not obvious move. Any lefty reliever brought in to face Howard will next have to face Werth, who hit more home runs vs. LHP than any other player in The Show last year. New kid Raul follows heavy metal Werth to round out the most formidable top six batters of any lineup in baseball. The drop-off after Ibanez is steeper than the price of a Yankee Stadium ticket, but look for the Phillies to score runs en masse in 2009.

- The rest of the division is much stronger this year. Los Mets added some mercenaries and a new stadium in their annual attempt to be the J.V. Yankees. The Braves overhauled their pitching staff and boast my new most hated player, Jordan Schafer, the youngest steroids user in baseball. The Marlins could have the best pitching in the division, and in Hanley Ramirez they have the best ballplayer in the world. The Nationals will continue to struggle until they hire Barack Obama to be their new manager.

PHILLIS 2009 PREDICTION: 93-69, 1st place in the NL East
B2B WFCs

Pittsburgh 6, Philly 0

Although the weather is the same, it's certainly been awhile since the Phillies rode off into the sunset with that dangerously shaped World Series trophy. Things are changing. We now have a polished, competent leader in the White House, who happens to be a black man. The decaying economy is eliminating jobs and ruining lives. But if there is one thing you can always count on, it's the Eagles losing in the NFC Championship Game.

But to the Chicago/St.Louis/Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals?? That was a little hard to swallow. Fittingly, the newest team to break Eagles' fans hearts could not get it done in Tampa Bay last night, losing to the Pittsburgh Steelers, who now have to be considered the greatest NFL franchise ever. Mookie Wilson, a dear friend of mine and the only Cardinals fan in the world, even returned to the desert in the hopes of watching his team get a taste of that East coast glory. He ended up getting a whiff of Lombardi's ass after the Steelers dramatically ended the Cinderalla story with a two-minute drill for the ages. Cardinals fans from Tuscon to Tel Aviv should gain perspective from the realization that they had foolishly been pinning their hopes on... the Arizona Cardinals. Not to be a hater, but any team that loses games by scores of 48-20, 47-7, etc. probably doesn't deserve to win the Super Bowl.


The Steelers' Sixth Super Bowl triumph has to go down as the greatest Super Bowl ever. I wasn't in the country and did not see the Super Bowl last year, so technically it never happened. I can't even remember a Super Bowl moment since seeing Janet Jackson's nipple. But in the new parity-ridden NFL, with its figurehead #1 seeds and division-winning Arizona Cardinals, should we expect nothing less than a hotly contested great game in the Big Show?

Just a few observations from the Stupid Bowl:

* Hopefully, Big Ben beats that shit-eating grin off Eli Manning's face. Ideally, in a dark alleyway in Jersey City, with Eli wearing his bicycle helmet and Ben not wearing his. Pausing for a second to recognize the fact that it actually is possible to have downs syndrome AND win the Super Bowl, I almost have no more will to write or live. I cannot wait for the comical, anti-climactic continuation of Eli's career.

* Even if he never wins another Super Bowl, Kurt Warner should be in the Hall of Fame one day. Give this guy 1 or 2 decent targets to throw to, and he can take your team to the Super Bowl. Amazing. Of course, Kurt is most famous for being the catalyst of the 1999 St. Louis Rams team that changed NFL history. Before that season, it was always easy to predict which teams would be in contention for the Supe at the beginning of the year: Dallas, San Fran, Green Bay, Buffalo (not really), etc. Now it's impossible to rule any team out, no matter how terrible the coaching staff, roster, or team history is. That's why I'm putting money on the Cincinnati Bengals to win it all next year, over the Eagles, in a game that goes to 5 overtimes.

* Offering free food at half time is great, but it's ultimately a fringe benefit negated by NOT HAVING ANY BIG SCREEN TV'S ANYWHERE, and only turning on the game sound at the end of the 4th quarter. I need to hear John Madden say the word "bullrush" five times in the span of ten seconds, punctuated by incoherent babbling and weird gurgling sounds. Shame on you, Chelsea Brewing Co.

* Can Al Michaels and John Madden work the Super Bowl every year? I'm not the hugest fan of either, but consider the alternatives: Fox's team of Droid Joe Buck, Buck's Aikman Boner & Troy Aikman - no thanks - or CBS's pairing of Jim Nantz and Esiason/Simms/who cares, in which case I'd opt for the jukebox.


Thank god this is a waist up shot.

* Larry Fitzgerald is God's gift to football. Seriously, he is the perfect wide receiver. Larry the Legend has the perfect combination of size, strength, hands, timing, and SPEED. Plus, he has those sweet Marley dreads that wave tauntingly in the faces of defenders as he blazes off to the end zone like he did last night. No wonder Anquan Boldin is unhappy: he's playing second fiddle to Yo-Yo Ma. EARTH TO DONOVAN MCNABB, get Anquan's digits and hit him up like he's T.O. and it's the '04 Pro Bowl. DO IT NOW.



* Thanks to the Syracuse basketball team falling apart before my eyes, I have no choice but to look forward to baseball. The Phillies coming off their dream championship season, and the NY Mets and Yankees spending millions of dollars on new players and billions on new stadiums, only to miss out on the postseason yet again. I can't wait.