Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Karma Is A Bitch, Eh Mets Fans?

The word aren't coming easy right now. I'm still recovering from last night's Phillies Mets game, another epic Phillies comeback that conjured up the magic from the 2007 pennant run. I managed to smuggle in my camera in the hopes of documenting Mets nerds in their natural habitat, the unforgivingly awful Shea Stadium. A friend of mine, who has Mutts season tickets, offered me his seats in the first row of the upper dish, first base side. The pitching matchup was Los Mets ace Johan Santana vs. the Phillies newly acquired hotdog eating champ, Fat Joe Blantana. With the teams tied for first in the National League East, entering the 100th game of the 2008 baseball season, it was a game I could not pass up.

The evening started out in typical Mutts fashion, with a slow 7 train ride through dreary Queens. For Benny Bubbles, it was his first Shit Stadium experience, and for me, perhaps my last.

As expected, we encountered no heckling whatsoever on the train ride. We got to the shit hole a little after 7:00, donning our Philly hats. Mets nerds of all shapes and sizes (mostly fat, with crustaches and hair-gel) were crawling everywhere. But still, no heckling. In Philly, Mutts fans are rightfully tormented from the moment they step out of their car. But I guess when your team blows a 7 game division lead with 17 games to play, and then fires their manager 40 some games into the next season, you really can't say much.

After all this went down, Benny Bubbles and I were forcibly removed from the game in the 8th inning. The score was 5-2 Mutts, and I figured it was probably good to get out of there before the guidos untucked their tails from their vaginas. We were threatened with arrest and given no reason as to why we were getting kicked out. It's quite ironic that we were escorted out by "Security", when it was the collective insecurity of the most feeble fan base in America that undoubtedly led to our departure. We were tattled on by somebody, for something, kindergarten style.

But, justice was served. On the 7 train ride back into Manhattan, word was spreading of a Phillies comeback. One guy had the game on his V-csat phone. The Phillies scored. And scored again. And soon, the score was 8-6, and the game was over. The good guys won, and that fact alone blunted the agony of missing the comeback in person.

My only regret is not doing something worth getting kicked out for. Like defecating over the railing onto the moussed up hair of the legions of guidos below. Next time, that's exactly what I'll do.

Farewell, Shit Stadium.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Utley Drops An F-bomb at the Homerun Derby

There are asshole fans, and then there are ignorant, asshole fans. Ladies and gentleman, I give you Philadelphia and New York. Philly sets the bar pretty high for outlandish shenanigans and pissing on the fine line between acceptable belligerence and criminal behavior. But, for the most part, the Philly goons know their stuff. In New York, you got your typical tough guy asshole who knows about nothing outside of the five boroughs. They were booing Utley because they had no fucking idea who he was.

This is from the introductions that took place at Yankee Stadium last night before the ALL STATE Homerun Derby. Was Chase simply stoned, and forgot that he was mic'd up? Either way, Utley's status has risen dramatically in my eye.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Vote

Democracy, in theory, is a utopia. Citizens of differing race, class, gender, and religion are bound by a government that grants them the right to vote. We the masses, in theory, elect the candidates that are best qualified to represent us and lead us. And, for a time - about 224 years - the system worked. America was a great place to live because of our democratic ideals. Then, we elected George W. Bush to be our 43rd president in 2000.

In light of that, it's no surprise that Americans don't know how to vote for the best baseball players to play in the Mid Summer Classic. Once again, the fans voted in a few random schlubs who didn't deserve the honor instead of, oh, I don't know, PAT BURRELL.

In his 9th (and so far, best) season in Red Pinstripes, Pat The Bat has turned the corner and been a feared force from the right side of the plate. But the Phillies most clutch hitter was not voted in by the fans, most of whom seem to hail from the Chicago and Boston areas (7 Cubs and 7 Red Sox???!!!)

Here's an excerpt from an email I received from Phan contributor Dicky Toe:

Burrell numbers aren't that great. They're decent. He may have "played with a lot of heart", but I didn't get to see it.

A little background on Toe. He's from the Philadelphia area, and grew up an avid Eagles fan. Unfortunately, his time in New England has poisoned his mind much like what happened to Anakin Skywalker in The Clone Wars. As a result, Dicky Toe now roots for the Red Sox, and regularly channels the Dark Side.

Burrell numbers not that great? Mr. Toe clearly has never heard of the most important hitting stat in baseball - OPS. It stands for On-base Plus Slugging Percentage, and it quantifies a hitter's ability to get on base AND hit for power. Anything over a .800 is good. Anything over a .900 is very good. And anything over 1.000 is elite.

Here are the OPS's for the outfielders elected by millions of retarded fans (mostly from Chicago) to rep the NL in the All-Star Game.

Starter - Braun: .865
Starter - Fukudome: .811
Starter - Soriano: .879
Reserve - Holliday: 1.002
Reserve - Ludwick: .944
Reserve - McLouth: .879

And PAT BURRELL? ----> .994

Fuck you, indeed. If you want to dig deeper, Burrell is posting a Bonds-like 1:1 BB:KK ratio (72 K's to 66 BB's as of 7/8/08). And if you ever WATCH the Phils, Toey, you'll quickly notice that Burrell rarely ever strikes out in a clutch situation (coughcoughRyanHowardcough). It's a far cry from the solo-shot hitting pretty boy who batted .209 in 2003. He doesn't swing at bad pitches. He's cut down on the hair gel. And he KILLS the Mets. I'm watching the Phillies play the Cardinals right now, and Burrell just doubled. Click on that. Vote for Pat.

Now, here are the real starting lineups for the 2008 All-Star game, which the American League will almost certainly win.


C Brian McCann (ATL)

Apologies to: Geovany Soto (CHI). McCann, the power-hitting Pillsbury dough boy, is the most talented catcher in the National League, and would be starting this game if he played in Chicago or New York.

1B Lance Berkman (HOU)


SS Hanley Ramirez (FLA)

3B Chipper Jones (ATL)

OF Nate McClouth (PIT)

Rumor has it PNC Park is threatening to pack up and leave town unless Pittsburgh can build a better baseball team. One of the breakout stars of 2008, McLouth is fully deserving of the fan vote.

OF Matt Holliday (COL)

Apologies to: Alfonso Soriano (CHI) and Ryan Braun (MIL). Soriano has been injured a lot, and Holliday is the best all-around OF in the league. Unfortunately for him, the Rockies are a mess this year and the crickets outnumber the fans at vacuous Coors Field.

OF PAT "Delaware Ave" BURRELL

See Above. He doesn't run well, but he parties harder than you pregame. Unfortunately, the fans voted for "Kosuke Fukudome," which sounds like it tastes really good. What a travesty.

NEXT POST - Either the Phan's American League All-Star Picks, or Passed Out At The Free Bon Jovi Concert in Central Park!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Live From The Roof

Well it's past the half point of the 2008 MLB season, and who better to tell you about the state of baseball than the Penncrest High School Morning Announcements team from 2002.

Here is JK Jeezy, once the clean cut lead anchor of Penncrest's "A" news team. His enunciation and eye contact were borderline flawless, and the only blemish in his career was the one time he called Cheryl Jordan, "Ashwin Chaudhary."

Jeezy gives us an update on the horrid state of baseball in New York. Predictably, it's Los Mets that are causing all the problems.

"The state of baseball is in crisis. And Los Mets is the reason." Jot that down, kids.

For further clarification on Los Mets, and The Philadelphia Sillies, here is "The Shwin Spin On Sports." While my diction was usually poor to very poor, my pace, tone, and facial expressions are still talked about in Penncrest's Oral Communications classes today.

Next Post - Phillies Midseason Report Card. (Hypercritical rant)