Cockroaches... Everywhere

They were looking at me funny on the subway this morning, as if they knew I was still wearing the same clothes from last night. Schoolchildren and jobless i-bankers alike stared at me with equal parts curiosity and fear. Maybe it was because my eyes were as bloodshot as the red hat on my head, but it probably had something to do with my t-shirt that read: "Dallas Sucks... T.O. Swallows." (Ask Tony Romo... it's true)

New Yorkers, welcome to the Philadelphia State of Mind.

All the Mets-bashing this summer was just time-wasting. Ladies and gentlemen, the Cockroaches are back. The Dallas Cowgirls barely beat the Eagles at home last night, in front of thousands of nervous fans and the skeletal remains of Jerry Jones. Jessica Simpson accidentally went to the Astros-Cubs game being played in Milwaukee, and was nowhere to be seen. The pressure was squarely on the shoulders of this over-hyped version of "America's Team," and we let them off the hook.

It was a marquee matchup of two NFL powers in an early season showdown for NFC East bragging rights. As the non-funny bald man Tony Kornheiser put it: "These two teams have to be looking around and saying... Who's better than us?"

The answer to that lies in the next 20 weeks of the NFL regular season and playoffs, a grueling marathon of attrition that leaves only 1 team standing at the end. The Eagles fared well in what will likely be one of their most difficult games of the season. The Cowgirls have to wonder how good they really are, if an 8-8 team without it's 2 starting wide receivers can move the ball as easily as McNabb and Co. did last night.

The game against Pittsburgh next weekend now looms large for the Iggles. If they play like they did last night (sans DeSean Jackson's Leon Lett moment), they're going to beat the Steelers, and most of the teams on their schedule.

T.O. needs to be curb stomped.

Donovan's Last Stand

In the interest of upholding the integrity of prognosticators anywhere, this post should have been made BEFORE the Eagles 38-3 joyride over the hapless Rams. But I didn't get around to it because I'm lazy, and I also had a run in with the Pussycat Dolls this weekend (still brushing my shoulders off).

Seriously, this is quite possibly Donovan McNabb's last season under center as quarterback of our Philadelphia Eagles. But the Syracuse legend and the greatest quarterback in the history of the Philadelphia franchise still can't seem to earn the benefit of the doubt from a fickle, resentful Philly fan majority. The memory of his scatter-brained performance in Super Bowl XXXIX will undoubtedly resonate in our collective subconscious for ages, or at least until the Birds redeem themselves in the Big Show one of these years.

One misstep, one bad game, and #5 will hear the boos from the Philly faithful. A precedent that was established way back at at the 1999 NFL draft continues to echo and haunt the remade quarterback, as his street cred and margin for error shrink with each injury plagued season. But does Donovan really deserve this duplicitous treatment? Honestly, are we better off with Kevin Kolb right now, or were we any better off with Jeff Garcia in '06, or Doug Pederson in '98??



This dude is the best quarterback you have ever seen don the winged helmet, period. Granted, this post is coming after a game that saw D-Mac put up almost 300 yards passing and 3 TD's in the first half alone. We witnessed a Donovan that was not even pretending to be the scrambling impresario that led the Eagles to multiple playoff births earlier in the decade. He trotted out of bounds on multiple occasions, smartly avoiding even the slightest chance of injury. His throws were accurate, his body language confident, his game all around tight and crisp. No chest pounding or pointing to the sky after scores, either. This version of McNabb has been there, done that. Could it be that Donovan has become a true veteran, poised to finally lead this team to the promised land?

McNabb will forever have the benefit of the doubt from this Cuse alum, but the same can't be said for the typical Eagles fan (K, you reading this?). Yes, he does drive me crazy sometimes. His standard bullet-throw-straight-into-the-turf has become a staple of Eagles offensive failures, and he's definitely made the absolute least of an already weak receiving corps at times... crucial times. There is a history of Donovan coming up small in the big games, going back to his underwhelming performance at the '99 Orange Bowl for the Syracuse Orangemen. If you have doubts about McNabb's college career at SU, though, refer to the following Wiki citation:

One of the most decorated athletes in Syracuse University history, McNabb was a four-year starter at quarterback and a reserve on the school's nationally ranked basketball team. On the gridiron, he was named the Big East Conference's offensive player of the decade' for the 1990s, and offensive player of the year an unprecedented three times from 1996-98, as well as the first-team all-conference vote earner in each of his four seasons. Later, he was named to the Syracuse All-Century Football team.



As an Eagle, McNabb already owns or will break virtually every significant passing record. The disappointment from the last three football seasons in Philadelphia has obscured the sparkling highlight plays that McNabb is capable of producing on any given Sunday. He gives us a chance to win against anybody, in any game.

The point is - you're going to miss Donovan McNabb once the Kevin Kolb era starts. You're going to miss the effortless 90 yard bombs to Hank Baskett, or the sound-splitting lasers to whatever other scrubby receiver the Birds are currently employing. Kevin Curtis will be back eventually, and DeSean Jackson is beyond words at this point (post soon to come). When you throw in a healthy LJ Smith, and the always dangerous MVP-caliber Brian Westbrook, you realize that McNabb has quite an underrated arsenal at his disposal.

Next week is the true test in Dallas. Nationally televised game. It makes me think back to 2004, when the Eagles torched and embarrassed the Cowgirls on Monday Night Football, 49-21. McNabb was throwing TD's to TO back in those days, but now Terrell Owens plays for the enemy. The enemy is formidable, and this blogger will be getting rowdy for that game FO SHO.

Eagles 36, Cowboys 28. See you all next week.

"Take That China, You Little Bitch!"

Undoubtedly solving our nation's economic problems and housing crisis from his iPhone, George W. Bush presided over the USA v. China matchup in Beijing on Sunday. Flanked by Daddy Bush and Jerry Colangelo, Dubby was spotted by the NBC cameras pumping his fists gleefully after alley oops and monster jams from LeBron and Co. In an odd twist of fate, I was at home pumping my fist with him, even shouting "Yee-haw, Dubby!" when I saw him pop up on my screen. The USA Men's Sr. National Basketball Team has stirred such a feeling of national pride within me that I even applauded Bush as he left with 7 minutes to go in the blowout victory, waving to the USA Women's Basketball team who reluctantly waved back. Well done, President Bush; America is still the best at something. USA! USA! USA!



The Americans were clearly the more talented side in this lopsided affair, but the game represented much more to the 1.3 billion Chinese citizens, and a USA basketball program in a dire state of disarray. After failing miserably in Athens 2004 (and yes, anything less than Olympic Gold in a sport we invented is failure), Team USA rolled into Beijing packing heat: LeBron. Melo. D-Wade. Dwight Howard. KOBE.

While the Dream Team would probably school these dudes, the "Redeem Team" has what it takes to bring Gold back to the Red White and Blue. And compared to the rest of the Olympic coverage, this team will entertain the shit out of you. You may even remember why you love America.

Just a few observations from the Redeem Team's 1st game:



* LeBron James is the best baller in the World. End of story. Hey, Kobe Bryant is amazing, and a phenomenon on his own right. But you want to tell me that LeBron wouldn't have won 3 rings playing with Shaq in his prime? Kobe is 29, the defending MVP, and at the peak of his physical prowess. But LeBron is 27 days younger than me - 23 - and has already surpassed Kobe in pure athleticism, and is a game-changing force on the court. He is the vocal leader of this team, his boys, my generation. All he has to do is improve that outside shooting and we're looking at the next President of the United States.


* Jim Boeheim on the bench. I love how Jimmy B, the coach of the Syracuse Orangemen hoops team, is Coach K's default sidekick. Or maybe he's just there to keep the pot-smoking, drunk-driving, headband-rocking Carmelo Anthony in check.





* They fucking LOVE basketball in China. Did you see that halftime feature? It seems like every teenage boy in China dons an NBA jersey and styles himself after Lil Bow Wow.




* Chris Bosh looks like a Velociraptor. I've never seen the mascot of a team the dude plays for actually morph said dude's physical appearance. The Toronto Raptors star also bears a strong resemblance to Robbie Mark Sinclair, the awkward teen son in the classic early-90's sitcom, The Dinosaurs.


* Between Deron Williams and Jason Kidd, this team has 1 white guy. JUST AN OBSERVATION. Like David Brent, I'm colorblind, seeing neither color nor race. Oh wait, I forgot about Tayshaun Prince - make that 1.5 white guys.


* Coke commercial is 1st class. LeBron and Yao are perfect global ambassadors for the sport of basketball, and two all-around good guys. The graphics and animation were top notch, and who doesn't love Coke? Globalization is awesome.


* No Iverson = What a huge difference. As the Denver Nuggets are now finding out, AI just ain't a winner. He's a self-aggrandizing asshole who is better suited for the And-1 Mixed Tape Tour than Team USA. With his shoddy play and bickering with Larry Brown at the 2004 Athens games, I blame Iverson FULLY for ending USA's dominant run in international competition.




* I'm buying a USA #15 Carmelo jersey. Done and done.

Karma Is A Bitch, Eh Mets Fans?

The word aren't coming easy right now. I'm still recovering from last night's Phillies Mets game, another epic Phillies comeback that conjured up the magic from the 2007 pennant run. I managed to smuggle in my camera in the hopes of documenting Mets nerds in their natural habitat, the unforgivingly awful Shea Stadium. A friend of mine, who has Mutts season tickets, offered me his seats in the first row of the upper dish, first base side. The pitching matchup was Los Mets ace Johan Santana vs. the Phillies newly acquired hotdog eating champ, Fat Joe Blantana. With the teams tied for first in the National League East, entering the 100th game of the 2008 baseball season, it was a game I could not pass up.

The evening started out in typical Mutts fashion, with a slow 7 train ride through dreary Queens. For Benny Bubbles, it was his first Shit Stadium experience, and for me, perhaps my last.

As expected, we encountered no heckling whatsoever on the train ride. We got to the shit hole a little after 7:00, donning our Philly hats. Mets nerds of all shapes and sizes (mostly fat, with crustaches and hair-gel) were crawling everywhere. But still, no heckling. In Philly, Mutts fans are rightfully tormented from the moment they step out of their car. But I guess when your team blows a 7 game division lead with 17 games to play, and then fires their manager 40 some games into the next season, you really can't say much.



After all this went down, Benny Bubbles and I were forcibly removed from the game in the 8th inning. The score was 5-2 Mutts, and I figured it was probably good to get out of there before the guidos untucked their tails from their vaginas. We were threatened with arrest and given no reason as to why we were getting kicked out. It's quite ironic that we were escorted out by "Security", when it was the collective insecurity of the most feeble fan base in America that undoubtedly led to our departure. We were tattled on by somebody, for something, kindergarten style.

But, justice was served. On the 7 train ride back into Manhattan, word was spreading of a Phillies comeback. One guy had the game on his V-csat phone. The Phillies scored. And scored again. And soon, the score was 8-6, and the game was over. The good guys won, and that fact alone blunted the agony of missing the comeback in person.

My only regret is not doing something worth getting kicked out for. Like defecating over the railing onto the moussed up hair of the legions of guidos below. Next time, that's exactly what I'll do.

Farewell, Shit Stadium.

Utley Drops An F-bomb at the Homerun Derby

There are asshole fans, and then there are ignorant, asshole fans. Ladies and gentleman, I give you Philadelphia and New York. Philly sets the bar pretty high for outlandish shenanigans and pissing on the fine line between acceptable belligerence and criminal behavior. But, for the most part, the Philly goons know their stuff. In New York, you got your typical tough guy asshole who knows about nothing outside of the five boroughs. They were booing Utley because they had no fucking idea who he was.

This is from the introductions that took place at Yankee Stadium last night before the ALL STATE Homerun Derby. Was Chase simply stoned, and forgot that he was mic'd up? Either way, Utley's status has risen dramatically in my eye.

Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Vote

Democracy, in theory, is a utopia. Citizens of differing race, class, gender, and religion are bound by a government that grants them the right to vote. We the masses, in theory, elect the candidates that are best qualified to represent us and lead us. And, for a time - about 224 years - the system worked. America was a great place to live because of our democratic ideals. Then, we elected George W. Bush to be our 43rd president in 2000.

In light of that, it's no surprise that Americans don't know how to vote for the best baseball players to play in the Mid Summer Classic. Once again, the fans voted in a few random schlubs who didn't deserve the honor instead of, oh, I don't know, PAT BURRELL.

In his 9th (and so far, best) season in Red Pinstripes, Pat The Bat has turned the corner and been a feared force from the right side of the plate. But the Phillies most clutch hitter was not voted in by the fans, most of whom seem to hail from the Chicago and Boston areas (7 Cubs and 7 Red Sox???!!!)

Here's an excerpt from an email I received from Phan contributor Dicky Toe:


Burrell numbers aren't that great. They're decent. He may have "played with a lot of heart", but I didn't get to see it.


A little background on Toe. He's from the Philadelphia area, and grew up an avid Eagles fan. Unfortunately, his time in New England has poisoned his mind much like what happened to Anakin Skywalker in The Clone Wars. As a result, Dicky Toe now roots for the Red Sox, and regularly channels the Dark Side.

Burrell numbers not that great? Mr. Toe clearly has never heard of the most important hitting stat in baseball - OPS. It stands for On-base Plus Slugging Percentage, and it quantifies a hitter's ability to get on base AND hit for power. Anything over a .800 is good. Anything over a .900 is very good. And anything over 1.000 is elite.

Here are the OPS's for the outfielders elected by millions of retarded fans (mostly from Chicago) to rep the NL in the All-Star Game.

Starter - Braun: .865
Starter - Fukudome: .811
Starter - Soriano: .879
Reserve - Holliday: 1.002
Reserve - Ludwick: .944
Reserve - McLouth: .879

And PAT BURRELL? ----> .994



Fuck you, indeed. If you want to dig deeper, Burrell is posting a Bonds-like 1:1 BB:KK ratio (72 K's to 66 BB's as of 7/8/08). And if you ever WATCH the Phils, Toey, you'll quickly notice that Burrell rarely ever strikes out in a clutch situation (coughcoughRyanHowardcough). It's a far cry from the solo-shot hitting pretty boy who batted .209 in 2003. He doesn't swing at bad pitches. He's cut down on the hair gel. And he KILLS the Mets. I'm watching the Phillies play the Cardinals right now, and Burrell just doubled.

www.mlb.com. Click on that. Vote for Pat.

Now, here are the real starting lineups for the 2008 All-Star game, which the American League will almost certainly win.

NATIONAL LEAGUE

C Brian McCann (ATL)

Apologies to: Geovany Soto (CHI). McCann, the power-hitting Pillsbury dough boy, is the most talented catcher in the National League, and would be starting this game if he played in Chicago or New York.


1B Lance Berkman (HOU)

2B CHASE UTLEY

SS Hanley Ramirez (FLA)

3B Chipper Jones (ATL)

OF Nate McClouth (PIT)

Rumor has it PNC Park is threatening to pack up and leave town unless Pittsburgh can build a better baseball team. One of the breakout stars of 2008, McLouth is fully deserving of the fan vote.

OF Matt Holliday (COL)

Apologies to: Alfonso Soriano (CHI) and Ryan Braun (MIL). Soriano has been injured a lot, and Holliday is the best all-around OF in the league. Unfortunately for him, the Rockies are a mess this year and the crickets outnumber the fans at vacuous Coors Field.

OF PAT "Delaware Ave" BURRELL

See Above. He doesn't run well, but he parties harder than you pregame. Unfortunately, the fans voted for "Kosuke Fukudome," which sounds like it tastes really good. What a travesty.

NEXT POST - Either the Phan's American League All-Star Picks, or Passed Out At The Free Bon Jovi Concert in Central Park!

Live From The Roof

Well it's past the half point of the 2008 MLB season, and who better to tell you about the state of baseball than the Penncrest High School Morning Announcements team from 2002.

Here is JK Jeezy, once the clean cut lead anchor of Penncrest's "A" news team. His enunciation and eye contact were borderline flawless, and the only blemish in his career was the one time he called Cheryl Jordan, "Ashwin Chaudhary."

Jeezy gives us an update on the horrid state of baseball in New York. Predictably, it's Los Mets that are causing all the problems.




"The state of baseball is in crisis. And Los Mets is the reason." Jot that down, kids.


For further clarification on Los Mets, and The Philadelphia Sillies, here is "The Shwin Spin On Sports." While my diction was usually poor to very poor, my pace, tone, and facial expressions are still talked about in Penncrest's Oral Communications classes today.



Next Post - Phillies Midseason Report Card. (Hypercritical rant)