Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Good News Leaflet

Apparently, "good news" is nothing more than an oxymoron. Open any newspaper or tune into any 24-hour news network and you'll be inundated by murder, rape, fire, war, scandal, and Snooki. I wish there was such a thing as a "Good News Newspaper" that would report only on things like suburban test scores, successful puppy adoptions, and the amazing good health of Chase Utley. Obviously, this would be more like a Good News Leaflet, and that last bit is completely erroneous.

The Utleys adopting puppies? The best news EVER!

To compound my consternation about Chase's injury, the situation in Libya is getting much, much worse. Thankfully, Obama and Secretary of State Clinton are maintaining that it should be the duty of the United Nations And NOT the U.S. to intervene in their bloody revolution, a far cry from our usual rhetoric of "Team America, World Police." I mean, why should Libya be America's problem anyway? Can we not just send Sarah Palin over there with a rifle and say we tried?

Also, dammit Raj Rajaratnam! A black eye for the South Asian community. Up until now we've been exemplary, except for that mediocre paneer I ordered the other night and every movie Shyamalan made after The Sixth Sense.

But of course, the worst news of all is that of the Phillies' All-Star 2nd baseman. The prospect of losing Utley to season-ending surgery makes me like, 15% less excited about baseball season. Chase Utley IS baseball, man! Consider it this way:

Jimmy Rollins is confidence and swagger. Ryan Howard is homeruns. Chase Utley is keep-your-mouth-shut-don't-act-like-a-star-don't-even-smile-or-talk-to-teammates-on-the-bench-ever-bust-your-ass-everyday BASEBALL. Unfortunately, that attitude may turn out to be his tragic flaw, as a knee problem that could have and should have been looked at in October may cost Chase Utley the 2011 season. The Phillies might have to try and capture their 3rd ever WFC without the man, the myth, the legend who coined that very phrase.

Without Utley's (and Jayson Werth's) presence, the shimmer around the Phillies lineup fades to reveal a pretty ordinary group of hitters. It's like they all might as well be a bunch of Lieberthals and David Bells... average pros, but outside of Howard, nobody really scares you. The current incarnation of JRoll is revealed as nothing more than a 7 or 8 hole guy.. not a former league MVP and offensive catalyst. But forget his 2007 season, Can JRoll just return to a form that made him the Phillies' engine? He dropped a bunt single in yesterday's game against the Tigers, offering signs of hope that he finally understands he's never going to hit 30 homers again and needs to help the team with his speed. Patience at the plate will be paramount for him and Victorino to avoid the easy outs and quick innings that led to so many low-scoring outputs for the Fightins in 2010 (74 games games scoring 3 runs or less).

Maybe Chollz could bat 3rd?

No matter how Unc Cholly and his new 2-year extension configure the lineup, the good news is that the San Francisco frickin Giants won the World Series last year with a lineup that featured schlubs like Edgar Renteria, Juan Uribe, Freddy Sanchez, and Pat the Butt. Bottom line? While an Utley-less Phillies team would no longer be the prohibitive World Series favorites, as long as the 4 Aces are standing, nobody wants to f*ck with Philadelphia.

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