The Phan

Where is Pat Burrell When You Need Him?

2011-10-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

Last night in Philadelphia, the Phillies lost to the St. Louis Cardinals, 1-0 in the 5th and deciding game of the NLDS. The magic and hope that the Phillies franchise has represented for 5 years crumbled to the ground in the form of heavily-burdened (and heavily paid) Ryan Howard, as seemingly the 27th ground ball out of the game concluded the season for the Phillies. Of course, it could be the end of much more in the City of Brutal Losses.

They weren't all ground balls, as Raul Ibañez came within 3 feet of putting 3 on the board and making a winner out of Roy Halladay. Doc gave a prize fighter's effort, reminiscent of Rocky from Rocky 1, but the Phillies lineup didn't stand a puncher's chance against a grizzled Chris Carpenter. 27 nervous swings later, Docky had lost.

While shoddy pitching did the Phillies in against the Yankees in 2009, it should forever be remembered that the Phillies won a World Series in 2008 featuring a rotation of Cole Hamels, Brett Myers, Jamie Moyer, and Joe Blanton. Let me repeat: Myers, Moyer, Blanton. Basically, the pitching stars aligned (perfectly, in Brad Lidge's case) around a powerful, clutch lineup oozing with what has now come to be known as "swagg" (symbolized here by Pat Burrell doing shirtless curls in the clubhouse). Unfortunately, the bipolar 2011 Phillies' lineup could make a college pitcher look like Cliff Lee.

Who's to blame? Looking at the box scores, one could point a finger at the bottom of the Phillies order. Everybody needs to chip in during the Playoffs, i.e., even your scrubs have to hit. Placido Polanco / Carlos Ruiz / Pitcher didn't do a damn thing in 5 games. Polanco's "Pit Bull" walkup theme music is pretty out of place for a guy wielding an impotent bat and currently nursing like 16 different injuries. No, Placido, we don't want you.

And perhaps the myth of Chooch has come to surpass the reality of Carlos Ruiz, as the little man from Panama with the big heart came up small when the Fightin's desperately needed a big hit. As for the pitcher's spot... any chance the Phils' can sign Prince Fielder to play DH next year? (The answer is no.)

However, this failure falls squarely on the shoulders of the Phils' triumvirate of homegrown stars: Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, and Ryan Howard. 2 League MVP's and the best 2nd basemen in team history, a once-in-a-lifetime collection of talent. But now? Age, injury, and pitching adjustments have caught up to them, and the run might be over for the Big Three.

Old Man James Rollins, the longest tenured Phil, was seemingly the only player who raised his game to another level when the spotlight got brighter. Yet, his contract with the Phillies is over, and the often-injured 32 year old JRoll is said to be seeking Puff Daddy money. Chase Utley will forever be a legend in Philly for his inspiring play and shockingly loose tongue, but his knee injury seems to have rendered him nothing more than an ordinary hitter. One has to hope that an offseason of conditioning and training will restore the power to Utley's legs that's so vital to his quick, axe-chop swing. Then there is Ryan Howard. Easily the most polarizing athlete in Philadelphia (now that McNabb is gone), "The Big Piece" was the final out of the last 2 Phillies seasons. Since Howard's blazing debut in 2006, Einstein managers around baseball slowly figured out that he can't hit lefties, and that his swing has more holes than the current Eagles defense. Watching Howard with 2 strikes is like watching a wounded buffalo, staggering helplessly, surrounded by lions. And now, our cleanup hitter may be lost for all of next season pending the results of an MRI on his Achilles, torn in the desperate act of trying to race through the Phillies closing window of opportunity. Fortunately, or unfortunately for the Phils, Howard is still signed long beyond 2012.

My authentic #6 jersey with the World Series Champions patch now hangs in my closet like a relic to a previous reality. A legacy is a fragile thing. A legacy is what hung in the balance this post-season. And last night, the legacy of this team and these players, and the memories of millions of fans, was forever altered. The saddest part of it all is that now we have to root for the Eagles.

The Good News Leaflet

2011-03-10T07:30:00.000-08:00

Apparently, "good news" is nothing more than an oxymoron. Open any newspaper or tune into any 24-hour news network and you'll be inundated by murder, rape, fire, war, scandal, and Snooki. I wish there was such a thing as a "Good News Newspaper" that would report only on things like suburban test scores, successful puppy adoptions, and the amazing good health of Chase Utley. Obviously, this would be more like a Good News Leaflet, and that last bit is completely erroneous.

The Utleys adopting puppies? The best news EVER!

To compound my consternation about Chase's injury, the situation in Libya is getting much, much worse. Thankfully, Obama and Secretary of State Clinton are maintaining that it should be the duty of the United Nations And NOT the U.S. to intervene in their bloody revolution, a far cry from our usual rhetoric of "Team America, World Police." I mean, why should Libya be America's problem anyway? Can we not just send Sarah Palin over there with a rifle and say we tried?

Also, dammit Raj Rajaratnam! A black eye for the South Asian community. Up until now we've been exemplary, except for that mediocre paneer I ordered the other night and every movie Shyamalan made after The Sixth Sense.

But of course, the worst news of all is that of the Phillies' All-Star 2nd baseman. The prospect of losing Utley to season-ending surgery makes me like, 15% less excited about baseball season. Chase Utley IS baseball, man! Consider it this way:

Jimmy Rollins is confidence and swagger. Ryan Howard is homeruns. Chase Utley is keep-your-mouth-shut-don't-act-like-a-star-don't-even-smile-or-talk-to-teammates-on-the-bench-ever-bust-your-ass-everyday BASEBALL. Unfortunately, that attitude may turn out to be his tragic flaw, as a knee problem that could have and should have been looked at in October may cost Chase Utley the 2011 season. The Phillies might have to try and capture their 3rd ever WFC without the man, the myth, the legend who coined that very phrase.

Without Utley's (and Jayson Werth's) presence, the shimmer around the Phillies lineup fades to reveal a pretty ordinary group of hitters. It's like they all might as well be a bunch of Lieberthals and David Bells... average pros, but outside of Howard, nobody really scares you. The current incarnation of JRoll is revealed as nothing more than a 7 or 8 hole guy.. not a former league MVP and offensive catalyst. But forget his 2007 season, Can JRoll just return to a form that made him the Phillies' engine? He dropped a bunt single in yesterday's game against the Tigers, offering signs of hope that he finally understands he's never going to hit 30 homers again and needs to help the team with his speed. Patience at the plate will be paramount for him and Victorino to avoid the easy outs and quick innings that led to so many low-scoring outputs for the Fightins in 2010 (74 games games scoring 3 runs or less).

Maybe Chollz could bat 3rd?

No matter how Unc Cholly and his new 2-year extension configure the lineup, the good news is that the San Francisco frickin Giants won the World Series last year with a lineup that featured schlubs like Edgar Renteria, Juan Uribe, Freddy Sanchez, and Pat the Butt. Bottom line? While an Utley-less Phillies team would no longer be the prohibitive World Series favorites, as long as the 4 Aces are standing, nobody wants to f*ck with Philadelphia.

#LOSING

2011-03-08T06:42:00.000-08:00

28 page hits yesterday... #winning! Just 2,055,217 away from Charlie Sheen. Now that I've gotten my mandatory Sheen name-drop out of the way, I just wanna say I'm putting the over/under on his relevance at about 2 days. Feel free to call me out when he's battling Oprah atop the heap of branded media moguls by Christmas, but the shock factor has worn off for this blogger.

Amidst all the Sheenanigans, nobody in MLB comes out looking better than Miguel Cabrera. Now his clownish behavior and raging alcohol problem are like "whatever dude."

Another sports figure under some "Heat" right now is Eric Spoelstra, who told the press after a brutal last-second loss that his Miami Heat players were "crying" in the locker room. And now everybody in Miami's trying to diffuse "Crygate" because Lebron and DWade look like huge, insufferable pussies. LOL!!! This has to be one of the single worst comments made by a head coach, ever! Expect Pat Riley or some other scmhoe to be coaching the team by the end of the year. Are you kidding me, Spoelstra?!

Speaking of crying, the Phildawgs got perfect-gamed through 6 by the stupid Yankees, including 3 perfect innings by AJ Burnett and his terrible tattoos. The pathetic display by a bunch of regulars (Rollins, Victorino, Howard, Fracisco, Polanco) was mercifully put to an end when Wilmer Valderrama knocked a solo shot to get the Phils on the board. Valderrama, whose name is actually Wilson Valdez, is the new All-Star 2B for the Phillies, who lost this split-squad matchup 7-1. Oswalt looked crusty. (but still the best #4 in the Majors).

WHERE'S THE VASELINE, CHASE?

2011-03-07T07:19:00.000-08:00

Ahh, blogging on the subway.

How does one have BO this early in the morning? While wearing several layers and a winter coat? (Not talking about myself). I'd imagine this is what David Wells smells like all the time. Speaking of which, that's the best you could do, TBS? Seriously? Somebody get on the phone with Lenny Dykstra's agent; Duder is probably available for work right now.

Yeah, this guy pitched a perfect game. Drunk.

So it's back to the Phillies beat as we draw closer to Opening Day. A couple big things happened over the weekend:

- Utley gets a cortisone shot in his ailing knee.. Maintains company line of "NBD"

- Dom Brown fractures hand and THEN gets 1st hit of spring in same at bat. Break it more often, yea?

Obviously, item #1 is a lot more distressing than item #2. WTF, Chase? Did you not apply enough Vaseline in the offseason? We trade for one of the best pitchers in the game, finally get our SS to put the Bieber album down and committ to his actual job, and then you go and get hurt. W.T.F. I'm not even going to try and put a positive spin on this; please get this man back on the field ASAP, Phillies medical staff.

Unlike the Utley injury, The Domonator going down truly is NBD for a couple reasons.

1) Little Brown is just not ready. Sorry Domo, but figure out that Craig Counsell swing in the minors. This could actually be a blessing in disguise, as it allows the kid to get his head on straight while his hand heels. Then he can work on getting his game together at Lehigh Valley where it won't hurt the Phillies.

2) This is the year of Benny Frank. Most Phillies fans probably considered Benny as a bag-o-balls when he was acquired in the '09 Cliff Lee deal. But what most don't realize is that Francisco was actually a starting OF with an OPS over .800 who was starting to blossom when he got the news that he'd earned a spot next to Greg Dobbs on the Phillies bench. Now? Benny's got the starting RF job in his back pocket, and is absolutely raking this spring. He's a seasoned pro coming into is prime, and is no doubt pumped for his opportunity to be a big-time contributor on a championship calibre team. This is HIS year, HIS time, and I'm calling it right now - BFrank will be the best Phillies OF this year. And most importantly, he'll outperform that goateed douchebag in DC.

COLE COULD BE CASH

2011-03-04T07:10:00.000-08:00

If you had to liken one member of the Phils new Legion of Aces to Christina Aguilera, it would no doubt be Colbert Hamels. The celebrated diva has seen many highs and lows throughout his young career, from carrying the Phillies through the 2008 postseason to quitting on the team in the middle of the '09 World Series.

But could the Nerdly One be the best player in the 2011 Phillies rotation? It's not as safe a bet as "will Joe Blanton still be just as fat or even fatter by the end of the season," but the odds aren't as long as you might think.

Buried under the hoopla of the Halladay perfect game and no hitter, the trade for All-Star hoss Roy Oswalt, and the signing of our hero Cliff Lee, Hamels ended 2010 as one of the best lefties in baseball. Being surrounded by an accomplished trio of aces (and the Five of Chubs) seems to bring out the best from the once-whiny Californian, as he appears to already be in midseason form this spring. Best of all? He's just 27 years old. If he can stay healthy (and that's a times-new roman size-72 IF) the best is yet to come from Molbert. M Mammals, and the aging Phillies are surely gonna need it.

PHILLIES PROVE COLLEGE IS FOR LOSERS

2011-02-25T10:28:00.000-08:00

The Fightin Phils started their campaign for a perfect season on the right foot yesterday with a 8-0 ruler-slapping of Florida State. And with that, baseball is back my friends.

FIGHTINS vs. BOMBERS

2009-05-22T10:56:00.001-07:00

The Fightin' Phils vs. the Bronx Bombers. The World Fucking Champions vs. The Evil Empire. Philadelphia Phillies vs. New York Yankees. Only when digging beneath the monikers does one realize the colossal difference between the two storied franchises.

As far as old baseball teams go, the Phils and Yanks could not have less in common. The Phillies have lost more games (over 10,000) than any professional sports franchise in the history of the world. The Yankees have exerted more dominance (26 World Series) than any organization since homo sapiens dominated those bitch ass neanderthals into extinction. The Yankee legacy evokes images of Babe Ruth pointing to center field, Lou Gehrig's speech, and Reggie Jackson's magical October. Phillies lore conjures memories of the tobacco stained carpet at Veterans Stadium and seas of empty blue seats standing witness to guaranteed mediocrity.

Any meeting between these two diametric opposites draws parallels to a confrontation between David and Goliath. The Phillies and Yankees have met 10 times - ever - with the Yankees winning 9 out of those 10 games, including a 4-0 sweep in the 1950 World Series. New York has dominated interleague play since its inception; the Phillies have struggled mightily against the American League.

But this time around, the Yankees are at the height of their corporate evil, with a 1.5 billion dollar stadium standing as a pillar of greed in these hard economic times. Seemingly half of their roster is linked to the use of performance enhancing drugs. For all of their $200 million annual salary, the could not even make the playoffs last year.

This time around, the Phillies are the World Fucking Champions. And this weekend, everyone in New Yankee Stadium is going to hear about it.

Go Phils.

"We Have Lost Our Voice"

2009-04-13T13:59:00.001-07:00

Why Do Us Suck?

2009-04-12T16:06:00.000-07:00

...in April? I thought after winning the World Series, these guys would come out with a renewed purpose and prove to the skeptics (namely, everyone) that 2008 was no fluke. All they’ve proven so far is that April in Philadephia is a month best spent analyzing the NFL Draft. Of course, last season’s World Fucking Champions also started out 0-2, 2-4, and 4-6, before finally catching fire after the Eagles squandered yet another draft day opportunity.

They’ve been to the mountaintop, but now a larger mountain looms. It’s a peak no MLB team has scaled since the Yankees in 2000: the task of becoming back-to-back champions. They would be the city’s first back-to-back champions since the Flyers in the 70’s. But more than a civic achievement, the Broad Street Bombers winning another title could officially turn Philly into a baseball town, and get some us some goddamn national respect in the process. Even though the Fightins’ figure to bring a stronger squad to the table in 2009, the majority of pundits and experts forecasted Philly to miss the playoffs. The attitude in the sports media (Philly included) seems to be “We’ll believe it when we see it.” Well boys, let's show 'em again.

Here's a few questions and observations from the first week of the season. Feel free to comment or point out factual errors, of which there are probably several.

- Who’s that skinny black dude hitting cleanup for the Phils this year? Seriously, it took me a few seconds to realize that it was Howard and not Jimmy Rollins batting from the left side. Then again, I think all black people look the same, but that okay, because I’m Indian and we all look alike too. But Howard looks trim; that Subway diet is no joke. As I write this he is burning around 3rd base, about to score off an Ibanez liner that nailed Rockies pitcher Aaron Cook in the buttocks. Howard actually looks like an athlete, and his defensive abilities may be bearing the most fruit from his new Kate Moss physique. Fear not, fat first basemen lovers: you still have the Brewers’ Prince Fielder to ogle as his goods jiggle up and down with every slight movement.

- How long can the Phillies offense bail out the terrible starting pitching? As I write this, Man Ho Park just gave up a homer to pre-pubescent Dexter Fowler to make the score 5-1 Rockies, erasing the Phils lone run scored in the top half of the 2nd. Six games into the season, and the starting pitching has given up a huge lead to start the game in every contest. That’s absurd. Why are the Phillies not in the Jake Peavy sweepstakes? I would not be opposed to parting with Carlos Carrasco in a package deal to land the Padres ace. The starting pitching has gone from a preseason concern to a full-blown disaster in the early going. Screw "quality starts"- I’ll be happy if they can keep it to 1 run an inning.

- When did Maddawg Madson get so filthy? I love it. Ryan had never thrown above 92 in his life until last summer, when he channeled his inner warrior and became Maddawg. Madson now deals his fastball in the 96/97mph range, and has a silly changeup that makes hitters look like clowns. It’s reassuring to have him as the Bridge to Lidge, just in case the Phillies ever give them any leads to protect this year.

- Prediction: Chase Fucking Utley wins the MVP award or a batting title this year. Or both. Unless he fucking fucks it up and gets fucking injured again.

- Anyone else notice how Jon Kruk has changed his look in an effort to differentiate himself from Kenny Powers, his HBO caricature portrayed by Danny McBride? Who you kiddin' Kruk. Bring back the mullet.

- Victorino is fast at just about everything. Before I can even look up at the TV, the Flyin’ Hawaiian is already out and Utley is up. Riding the pine for team U.Suck in the WBC robbed Shane of the chance to get his timing down this spring, but he needs to be more patient in his at bats. The Phils need him and Rollins to set the table so the big boys can eat.

- Charlie Manuel will need to keep the team together. Faced with the prospect of sitting Hamels due to the cover boy’s elbow issues, and without the luxury of a deep ‘pen due to Romero’s 50 game suspension/vacation, Cholly and Dubee will have to make the most of what they have in April and May. The decision to hit Werth in between Howard and Ibanez seems like a genius, if not obvious move. Any lefty reliever brought in to face Howard will next have to face Werth, who hit more home runs vs. LHP than any other player in The Show last year. New kid Raul follows heavy metal Werth to round out the most formidable top six batters of any lineup in baseball. The drop-off after Ibanez is steeper than the price of a Yankee Stadium ticket, but look for the Phillies to score runs en masse in 2009.

- The rest of the division is much stronger this year. Los Mets added some mercenaries and a new stadium in their annual attempt to be the J.V. Yankees. The Braves overhauled their pitching staff and boast my new most hated player, Jordan Schafer, the youngest steroids user in baseball. The Marlins could have the best pitching in the division, and in Hanley Ramirez they have the best ballplayer in the world. The Nationals will continue to struggle until they hire Barack Obama to be their new manager.

PHILLIS 2009 PREDICTION: 93-69, 1st place in the NL East
B2B WFCs

Pittsburgh 6, Philly 0

2009-02-02T06:28:00.001-08:00

Although the weather is the same, it's certainly been awhile since the Phillies rode off into the sunset with that dangerously shaped World Series trophy. Things are changing. We now have a polished, competent leader in the White House, who happens to be a black man. The decaying economy is eliminating jobs and ruining lives. But if there is one thing you can always count on, it's the Eagles losing in the NFC Championship Game.

But to the Chicago/St.Louis/Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals?? That was a little hard to swallow. Fittingly, the newest team to break Eagles' fans hearts could not get it done in Tampa Bay last night, losing to the Pittsburgh Steelers, who now have to be considered the greatest NFL franchise ever. Mookie Wilson, a dear friend of mine and the only Cardinals fan in the world, even returned to the desert in the hopes of watching his team get a taste of that East coast glory. He ended up getting a whiff of Lombardi's ass after the Steelers dramatically ended the Cinderalla story with a two-minute drill for the ages. Cardinals fans from Tuscon to Tel Aviv should gain perspective from the realization that they had foolishly been pinning their hopes on... the Arizona Cardinals. Not to be a hater, but any team that loses games by scores of 48-20, 47-7, etc. probably doesn't deserve to win the Super Bowl.

The Steelers' Sixth Super Bowl triumph has to go down as the greatest Super Bowl ever. I wasn't in the country and did not see the Super Bowl last year, so technically it never happened. I can't even remember a Super Bowl moment since seeing Janet Jackson's nipple. But in the new parity-ridden NFL, with its figurehead #1 seeds and division-winning Arizona Cardinals, should we expect nothing less than a hotly contested great game in the Big Show?

Just a few observations from the Stupid Bowl:

* Hopefully, Big Ben beats that shit-eating grin off Eli Manning's face. Ideally, in a dark alleyway in Jersey City, with Eli wearing his bicycle helmet and Ben not wearing his. Pausing for a second to recognize the fact that it actually is possible to have downs syndrome AND win the Super Bowl, I almost have no more will to write or live. I cannot wait for the comical, anti-climactic continuation of Eli's career.

* Even if he never wins another Super Bowl, Kurt Warner should be in the Hall of Fame one day. Give this guy 1 or 2 decent targets to throw to, and he can take your team to the Super Bowl. Amazing. Of course, Kurt is most famous for being the catalyst of the 1999 St. Louis Rams team that changed NFL history. Before that season, it was always easy to predict which teams would be in contention for the Supe at the beginning of the year: Dallas, San Fran, Green Bay, Buffalo (not really), etc. Now it's impossible to rule any team out, no matter how terrible the coaching staff, roster, or team history is. That's why I'm putting money on the Cincinnati Bengals to win it all next year, over the Eagles, in a game that goes to 5 overtimes.

* Offering free food at half time is great, but it's ultimately a fringe benefit negated by NOT HAVING ANY BIG SCREEN TV'S ANYWHERE, and only turning on the game sound at the end of the 4th quarter. I need to hear John Madden say the word "bullrush" five times in the span of ten seconds, punctuated by incoherent babbling and weird gurgling sounds. Shame on you, Chelsea Brewing Co.

* Can Al Michaels and John Madden work the Super Bowl every year? I'm not the hugest fan of either, but consider the alternatives: Fox's team of Droid Joe Buck, Buck's Aikman Boner & Troy Aikman - no thanks - or CBS's pairing of Jim Nantz and Esiason/Simms/who cares, in which case I'd opt for the jukebox.

Thank god this is a waist up shot.

* Larry Fitzgerald is God's gift to football. Seriously, he is the perfect wide receiver. Larry the Legend has the perfect combination of size, strength, hands, timing, and SPEED. Plus, he has those sweet Marley dreads that wave tauntingly in the faces of defenders as he blazes off to the end zone like he did last night. No wonder Anquan Boldin is unhappy: he's playing second fiddle to Yo-Yo Ma. EARTH TO DONOVAN MCNABB, get Anquan's digits and hit him up like he's T.O. and it's the '04 Pro Bowl. DO IT NOW.

* Thanks to the Syracuse basketball team falling apart before my eyes, I have no choice but to look forward to baseball. The Phillies coming off their dream championship season, and the NY Mets and Yankees spending millions of dollars on new players and billions on new stadiums, only to miss out on the postseason yet again. I can't wait.

Champions

2008-10-29T21:33:00.001-07:00

Did Pat Gillick know that Brad Lidge was not going to blow a single save when he signed him? Because, shit, that's what happened!

Lidge got save number 48 (out of 48) and the Phils TCOB tonight, with Golden Cole taking home some sort of automobile as the 2008 World Series MVP. Sports website ESPN.com had a picture of Ryan Howard, his brawny arms stretched upward hoisting the holy hardware that is the World Series trophy. FOX's postgame interview featured Jeannie (two N's?) Zolasko interviewing a gap-toothed and gangsta-articulate Jimmy Rollins with 45-year-old who-just-lectured-his-daughter-about-the-dangers-of-unprotected-sex Jamie Moyer throwing an arm over his shoulder.

Nothing much was made of Chase Utley, and his fake n' throw to home plate in the 7th, which should be considered the greatest fielding play in modern World Series history when all the dust settles. The dust, of course, being the preoccupation with mafioso Allan "Bud" Selig and Mother "Whore" Nature. Don't let these factors obscure the precious reality:

The Philadelphia Phillies are World Champions. Meaning, we own China, Columbia, Bratislava, and even Spanish Harlem. The word "Phillies" still shows up as misspelled in the blogger type box. Bull SHIT. That will change soon.

Tampa Bay's young players (who they will never be able to sign in 3-4 years) should feel no shame in losing to the true Team of Destiny. The brash Rays got hot and beat the Red Sox, and then choked in the Final, their cockiness undone and their inexperience exposed. More was made of David Price than Sarah Palin's wardrobe in recent weeks, and nincompoops like the oddly employed Fernando Vina on ESPN insisted that the real story in MLB this year was the "emergence" of the Rays.

So with disrespect coming from all sides (Peter Gammons declaring this the worst World Series ever, non-stop coverage about the Rays' "miracle" season), I feel like it's worth noting to everyone in the Chicago, Boston, and Anaheim area codes:

The Phils would have beaten you, too.

Yeah... The Phillies. With their Lights Out closer and their incredibly clutch Ace. Don't forget our #2, Mr. Myers, who spends his off days shooting machine guns to take his mind off shooting moving human targets. But maybe the biggest performance came from Joe Blanton, with his bulldog approach to the mound AND the plate in a crucial Game 4 victory. Blanton, with his Sonic the Hedgehog haircut and differently colored goatee, was the Phillies "prized" mid-season acquisition.

Yes, the quotation marks denote sarcasm. People in Philly were flabbergasted when the Phillies opted to trade for Fat Joe over elite starters Rich Harden and CC Sabathia. Those guys ended up pitching for the Cubs and Brewers respectively, and can currently be found at a golf course or strip club near you.

Speaking of Sabathia.. time to get to the 1st Shane Victorino mention of the night. Here's why Shane Victorino is MVP:

1) Buffalo Solja's grand slam vs CC in Game 2 got the the Phaithful (me included) believing. First grand slam in Fightin' Phils playoff history.

2) His mojo-injecting 2-run homer off Derek Lowe in the 7th inning of Game 4 of the NLCS not only tied the game, but was probably the greatest home run in Phillies history. If Shane doesn't hit that ball out, Manny Ramirez brings the trophy to Hollywood and loses it in a pile of dirty laundry.

3) He drove in the first 2 runs of the clinching Game 5a/5b. Throw in his perfect fielding and jovial spirit and you have yourself the 2008 Playoff MVP.

Others worth mentioning: Chooch Ruiz, Peter Happy, and JC Romero.. Latino contingent getting it done. Jayson Werth, who can now resume his double life as the lead singer of Creed. Ryan Madson, who makes the FOX speedometer sizzle. Pat Burrell and Jimmy Rollins, who have been in the Illadelph since Y2K. Ryan Howard, who is what every little boy in America should want to be.

The Will of our City overpowered Milwaukee, Los Angeles, Tampa/St.Petersburg, Major League Baseball, News Corp, and Mother Nature. A shadowy curse 25 years in the making is revealed to be nothing more than a prelude, and a ball club 126 years in the record books tastes its second sip of champagne.

Congratulations, Charlie Manuel and the 2008 Philadelphia Phillies.

And thank you. Thank you so much.

2008-10-28T05:06:00.001-07:00

Why Can't Us?

2008-10-27T07:20:00.000-07:00

When Shane Victorino hit the 2-run homer that tied Game 4 of the NLCS vs. the Dodgers, the exuberant Hawaiian pointed to the sky and at a stunned Dodger Stadium crowd as he rounded first base. Despite the incredible significance of his clutch shot, Victorino was ragged by his teammates for the unnecessary gesture. It was a little too amateur, a little too Jose Reyes, for this polished Phillies group.

So when Jayson Werth launched the cowhide high into the warm October sky, he too spread his pterodactyl wings and pointed up to the stands as he crossed first. Back in the dugout, he was greeted by none other than Victorino, who playfully jabbed a finger in the air and asked, "What's up there?"

"A whole lotta people," replied big J Werth, as he rubbed the little bald man's head.

Yes. A whole lotta deliriously happy people who are on the verge of creating national headlines: "PHILADELPHIA IN FLAMES!!!"

The crowd was already on fire after Ryan Howard finally ended the World Series of Choking with his opposite field blast in the 4th and put the Phillies up for good. Howard the ticking time bomb had finally gone off, and the hour of emancipation grew closer yet.

But that's it for this blog post because...... you know.

Soak It In

2008-10-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

The Philly accents on these guys is classic. The previous sentence is grammatically correct, Philly style. Yep, this is pretty much what it's all about.

RELAX!!!

2008-10-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

This is for you guys! (specifically: Jimmy Rollins, Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, and Pat Burrell)

Cole Hard Facts

2008-10-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

Winning that first World Series game is like getting your first kiss... you wait 15 years, and then when it happens, it's just as good as you dreamt it to be.

The din from the magical '93 playoff run can finally began to fade now as the '08 Phillies seem hell bent on fulfilling their own destiny. Last night was super sweet for sure. The 100th win of the season begin to crystallize before the first pitch, when the remaining sober members of the Backstreet Boys disgraced Tampa Bay, Philadelphia, and our national pasttime with their fruity rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. Surely, World Series baseball was not meant to be played in western Florida.

Another good sign was when living legend MICHAEL JACK SCHMIDT introduced the Phils' lineup. The hall-of-famer embodies class and and exudes grace, and just the sight of him was enough to give me chills. Then, the Rays lined up for roll call and introduced themselves like it was "Global Guts." It may have been FOX's worst idea since that dancing football robot that everybody hates.

Chutley's 2-run slice job was all Hamels, Madson, and Lidge needed to guide the Fightin's to the ever crucial Game 1 victory. It almost was a bunt single down the left field line, as Joe Scorcese opted to put the Howard shift on for Chase. If he was as smart as his glasses make him look, he would have put his fielders in the right field seats.

The Phils' aggressiveness backfired when Shane Vic was thrown out at home after tagging up on that pop fly, but it sent a message. We came to play. We came to win. And even when he's not hitting grand slams or making leaping catches, Buffalo Soldier still finds a way to lay a hit on somebody. Attaboy Shane.

About the only negative to be drawn from this game was the glaring 0-13 line with runners in scoring position. Ryan Howard looks like he just rolled out of bed, but he still has a few games to find that home run swing that's been missing through 10 playoff games. With righty James Shields on the mound tonight, look for the Big Boy to go Coco Crisp on his ass.

Tonight's score: 8-6 Phillies. Myers hits Longoria in the head (by accident) and then strikes him out 3 times. Pat Butt goes deep. And if you haven't checked ESPN yet, they stole the title from me.

Why The Phillies Will Win... In 5

2008-10-22T10:21:00.000-07:00

Now that I got the obligatory "respect" post out of the way, it's time to reveal what I REALLY think. Like you didn't see this coming.

Here are 5 reasons, descending in order of importance, why the Phillies will win their 2nd World Series title in franchise history. Some of these are fact-based, some are simply naive speculation, and some are omens gleaned from other Philly sports writers.

5. Home field advantage: Cowbells vs. the Liberty Bell. While the Rays "earned" the right to have 4 out of the 7 games played at their concrete encased aquarium, it's more than likely that half of those fans haven't been to a Rays game this season - if ever in their lives. Hardly an advantage. On the other hand, the Rays will be playing in front of 40,000+ of the best fans in all of baseball, who have yet to see the Phillies lose at home this postseason. And if the Rays think that playing in Chicago and Boston prepared them for Philadelphia, well, they're in for a rude introduction.

4. The National League is due: To quote Jim Caple, the self-appointed asshole who writes for ESPN.com, the Rays will win for no other reason than the fact they play in the American League. Seriously, that's the only reason behind his prediction of a Rays sweep: ( http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/playoffs2008/news/story?id=3656901 ) While the NL has had its ass handed to it repeatedly the last 15 years or so, there's no denying the senior circuit is the "good guy" in this equation. It's still the Pure league, free from the DH, free from evil franchises like the Yankees and Red Sox, and free from the sense of entitlement which will doom the Rays - and the American League - this October.

3. Shane Victorino: When you're from Hawaii, and your official pump-up music is "Buffalo Solder," you tend not to get caught up in the mainland hoopla. Shane delivered big time vs. the Brewers with his TKO grand salami off Sabathia that effectively ended that series. Once again, he came up huge vs. LA with a 2-run shot that tied game 4, and set the stage for Matt Stairs to climb the steps of my heart. Expect nothing less this time around.

2. Omens: The last (and only) time the Phillies won the WS was in '80, and their closer was Tug McGraw, #45. This time around, the year is '08 and their closer is #54 Brad Lidge. In '80, my father sported a mustache. In '08, I have a wicked neckbeard. It all adds up.

1. Cole Hamels: The best pitcher in this World Series series is the dude whose nerdly approach to pitching belies his fashion model looks. There's no way you're 24 years old and left-handed with a playmate wife and DON'T win the World Series. Yes, Cole is truly man-crush worthy.. not that there's anything wrong with that.

There you have it. Five reasons the Phillies will win in 5 and send us running naked down Broad Street.

Flo-Rida: Blow-blow-blow-blow-blow-blow-blow-blow-blows

2008-10-20T17:58:00.000-07:00

The Phillies are in the World Series for the first time 1993, and this is my first blog post since they clinched the division about 3 weeks ago. I'm feeling a lot of pressure... pressure to write the right thing, pressure not to forget anything, and pressure not to jinx a team on the verge of breaking a 25 year old "curse" in the City of Brotherly Love.

A younger, more emotional Philistine would have flooded blank pages, radio airwaves, and dinnertime conversation with torrents of premature hoopla and mockery of the upcoming opponent. This, apparently, angered the Sports Gods (See: Flyers '08, Eagles '04, Eagles '03, Eagles '02, Eagles '01, Sixers '01, Flyers '97, etc. etc. etc.) So now, while my well-compensated contemporaries write bios on Pat the Bat and King Cole Hamels in Pennsylvania periodicals, I'm going to do the unthinkable and show some love and respect for the Phillies' worthy adversary, the Tampa Bay Gays.

Uhh.. Rays.

The Tampa Bay franchise came into existence in 1998 as the "Devil Rays." Playing their home games in a stadium named after a juice drink, in front of crowds that made Major League Soccer look good, the Rays were annually the worst team in all of baseball. The Red Sox and Yankees reigned atop the American League East every year from 1998 to 2007, and the Tampa / St. Petersburg area did little more than provide beach time and good fishing for opposing players. It seemed Major League Baseball would have been better off letting Mark Cuban build a team in Mexico City.

WTF?
<--

Then, a funny thing happened. The Devil Rays, consistently near the bottom of the standings and thus atop of the draft order every year, were able to slowly accrue a glut of young talent. Year after year, Tampa Bay filled its minor league system with prodigious weapons at an alarming rate. Boston and New York, accustomed to being able to outspend the competition, could not have foreseen the seismic shift that was about to shake the foundations of baseball's capitalist tradition. In late 2007, Tampa Bay dropped the useless "Devil" prefix and.. BOOM.. all of a sudden, had one of the lowest paid, yet most talented, teams in all of baseball. Sometimes, it's good to be bad.

The RAYS burst out of the gate in 2008, and never looked back. They won 97 games (just like the '93 Phillies) and posted the best home record in all of baseball. (Who knew playing in front of 10,000 retirees and 5th graders on field trips could be an advantage?) The rotation is headed by Red Sox killer Scott Kazmir, James Shields (got his ass beat by a man named after a breakfast cereal, but is actually a very good pitcher), and ALCS MVP Matt Garza. Their lineup features its own version of Philly's Big Four:

* BJ Upton (CF, age 24): The #2 overall pick in 2005 hit 9 homers in 145 regular season games this year. He's already hit 7 dingers in 14 postseason games. Scares me more than any other Ray.

* Carl Crawford (LF, age 27) He has been in Tampa since 2002, and is a Jimmy Rollins-type player for the Rays. Gets on base and wreaks havoc. Could have gone pro in football, basketball, or baseball (was recruited to be the QB at Nebraska). Now that's an athlete.

* Carlos Pena (1B, age 30): The #10 overall pick in 1998 hit 41 homers in 2007, and is the veteran leader of this pre-pubescent team.

* Evan Longoria (3B, age 23): This rookie stud (drafted #3 overall in 2006) is already the best 3B in baseball. Homered in 4 STRAIGHT GAMES in the ALCS. Will one day be more famous than Eva Longoria. Very scary.

Those 4 bats will be counted on to puts runs on the board for the Rays. Then, there is David Price. Drafted #1 overall in 2007, this 6'6 lefty has a devastating arsenal of pitches that turned Red Sox postseason magic into October dust. He will be called upon to get the left-handed hitting Utley and Howard out late in games.

My boozing, baseball-loving brethren: it has come down to this. The Fightin' Phils, our heroes in the red pinstripes, a franchise that dates back to the Chester A. Arthur administration, will take on the "Tampa Bay Rays" for the 2008 World Series - a team that possesses an awesome, if not quite ripe, bunch of talent.

But it takes more than talent to win the World Series. It takes timing, luck, momentum... and good karma.

Good luck, Tampa Bay.. and GAME ON, bitches.

Why We Watch

2008-09-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

The best part about all the Phillies games I saw this year (in Philly, at Shea, on TV at the bar, on TV at the bar, on my laptop) was that it was not a total waste of time.

In case you missed it, the Fightin' Phils clinched the National League East on Saturday, putting up win #91 and making the question of what the idiots at Shea were up to totally irrelevant. The Mets, as it turned out, lost their final game to Florida on Sunday, and will not be in the Playoffs.

The temptation to write about the Mets collapse is almost unbearable. After getting kicked out of that game at Shea, my good-natured bellicosity towards the team and fans turned into a justified vigilante renegade jihad shitstorm of fury. But it's almost too hard to really hate Los Mets fans, because... ouch, that's gotta hurt. I feel bad for you Mets nerds, but that's what you get for buying stock in crumbling geezers like Pedro, Moises Alou, Billy Wagner, etc.

But enough about the New York Mess; this is all about Los Filis de Filadelfia. The Phils' final record of 92-70 is their best regular season mark since the magical 1993 season, when they went 97-65 and made it to the World Series. That Phillies squad probably had more consistent starting pitching, with Curt Schilling, Tommy Greene, Danny Jackson, and Terry Mulholland manning the rotation. But the overall talent level on THIS Phillies team, which has now won back-to-back pennants for the 1st time since '80-'81, is considerably higher.

The roster is largely homegrown, with it's core group of stars reaching the peak of their abilities at the same time. Hamels and Myers (when they have their stuff) are as formidable a front-end combo as any in the Majors. Jamie Moyer pitches around the same speed as a pre-pubescent middle school softball player, but he's the man who won the division-clinching game for the Phils 2 years in a row now. In the Playoffs, you need 3 reliable starters to win a series. The Phillies have that.

Below: The 74 year old Moyersaurus

Brade Lidge deserves some Cy Young consideration, after posting a perfect 41-for-41 season saving games. That's amazing! There were many, MANY sticky situations, but Lidge got it done time and time again. The 8th inning proved to be a trouble spot after the All Star break, with the loss of washed up insurance salesman Tom Gordon (probably my favorite scapegoat of all time) proving to be vital. If the starters can eat up at least 6 innings, J.C. Romero and Ryan Madson will be a big part of the bridge to Lidge.

The lineup has many weapson, including an absolute monster named Ryan Howard. The 2-time National League MVP (I'm going to go ahead and award it now) pretty much carried the Phillies through September, hitting bomb after bomb to left center, the upper deck in right, and Camden, NJ.

Howard's September Numbers: .345 Ave. 11 HRs. 32 RBIs. .851 slugging. 1.267 OPS. Ridiculous.

To beat Milwaukee, and beyond, the Phillies need excellence from everyone from Charlie Manuel to Tadohito Iguchi / So Taguchi. It's going to take good at-bats from Pat Burrell, base-stealing from Shane Victorino, and not-striking-out from Howard and Werth. But that's for the next blog post. For now:

THE PHILLIES WIN THE PENNANT, BIOTCH

Cockroaches... Everywhere

2008-09-16T08:57:00.001-07:00

They were looking at me funny on the subway this morning, as if they knew I was still wearing the same clothes from last night. Schoolchildren and jobless i-bankers alike stared at me with equal parts curiosity and fear. Maybe it was because my eyes were as bloodshot as the red hat on my head, but it probably had something to do with my t-shirt that read: "Dallas Sucks... T.O. Swallows." (Ask Tony Romo... it's true)

New Yorkers, welcome to the Philadelphia State of Mind.

All the Mets-bashing this summer was just time-wasting. Ladies and gentlemen, the Cockroaches are back. The Dallas Cowgirls barely beat the Eagles at home last night, in front of thousands of nervous fans and the skeletal remains of Jerry Jones. Jessica Simpson accidentally went to the Astros-Cubs game being played in Milwaukee, and was nowhere to be seen. The pressure was squarely on the shoulders of this over-hyped version of "America's Team," and we let them off the hook.

It was a marquee matchup of two NFL powers in an early season showdown for NFC East bragging rights. As the non-funny bald man Tony Kornheiser put it: "These two teams have to be looking around and saying... Who's better than us?"

The answer to that lies in the next 20 weeks of the NFL regular season and playoffs, a grueling marathon of attrition that leaves only 1 team standing at the end. The Eagles fared well in what will likely be one of their most difficult games of the season. The Cowgirls have to wonder how good they really are, if an 8-8 team without it's 2 starting wide receivers can move the ball as easily as McNabb and Co. did last night.

The game against Pittsburgh next weekend now looms large for the Iggles. If they play like they did last night (sans DeSean Jackson's Leon Lett moment), they're going to beat the Steelers, and most of the teams on their schedule.

T.O. needs to be curb stomped.

Donovan's Last Stand

2008-09-07T20:55:00.000-07:00

In the interest of upholding the integrity of prognosticators anywhere, this post should have been made BEFORE the Eagles 38-3 joyride over the hapless Rams. But I didn't get around to it because I'm lazy, and I also had a run in with the Pussycat Dolls this weekend (still brushing my shoulders off).

Seriously, this is quite possibly Donovan McNabb's last season under center as quarterback of our Philadelphia Eagles. But the Syracuse legend and the greatest quarterback in the history of the Philadelphia franchise still can't seem to earn the benefit of the doubt from a fickle, resentful Philly fan majority. The memory of his scatter-brained performance in Super Bowl XXXIX will undoubtedly resonate in our collective subconscious for ages, or at least until the Birds redeem themselves in the Big Show one of these years.

One misstep, one bad game, and #5 will hear the boos from the Philly faithful. A precedent that was established way back at at the 1999 NFL draft continues to echo and haunt the remade quarterback, as his street cred and margin for error shrink with each injury plagued season. But does Donovan really deserve this duplicitous treatment? Honestly, are we better off with Kevin Kolb right now, or were we any better off with Jeff Garcia in '06, or Doug Pederson in '98??

This dude is the best quarterback you have ever seen don the winged helmet, period. Granted, this post is coming after a game that saw D-Mac put up almost 300 yards passing and 3 TD's in the first half alone. We witnessed a Donovan that was not even pretending to be the scrambling impresario that led the Eagles to multiple playoff births earlier in the decade. He trotted out of bounds on multiple occasions, smartly avoiding even the slightest chance of injury. His throws were accurate, his body language confident, his game all around tight and crisp. No chest pounding or pointing to the sky after scores, either. This version of McNabb has been there, done that. Could it be that Donovan has become a true veteran, poised to finally lead this team to the promised land?

McNabb will forever have the benefit of the doubt from this Cuse alum, but the same can't be said for the typical Eagles fan (K, you reading this?). Yes, he does drive me crazy sometimes. His standard bullet-throw-straight-into-the-turf has become a staple of Eagles offensive failures, and he's definitely made the absolute least of an already weak receiving corps at times... crucial times. There is a history of Donovan coming up small in the big games, going back to his underwhelming performance at the '99 Orange Bowl for the Syracuse Orangemen. If you have doubts about McNabb's college career at SU, though, refer to the following Wiki citation:

One of the most decorated athletes in Syracuse University history, McNabb was a four-year starter at quarterback and a reserve on the school's nationally ranked basketball team. On the gridiron, he was named the Big East Conference's offensive player of the decade' for the 1990s, and offensive player of the year an unprecedented three times from 1996-98, as well as the first-team all-conference vote earner in each of his four seasons. Later, he was named to the Syracuse All-Century Football team.

As an Eagle, McNabb already owns or will break virtually every significant passing record. The disappointment from the last three football seasons in Philadelphia has obscured the sparkling highlight plays that McNabb is capable of producing on any given Sunday. He gives us a chance to win against anybody, in any game.

The point is - you're going to miss Donovan McNabb once the Kevin Kolb era starts. You're going to miss the effortless 90 yard bombs to Hank Baskett, or the sound-splitting lasers to whatever other scrubby receiver the Birds are currently employing. Kevin Curtis will be back eventually, and DeSean Jackson is beyond words at this point (post soon to come). When you throw in a healthy LJ Smith, and the always dangerous MVP-caliber Brian Westbrook, you realize that McNabb has quite an underrated arsenal at his disposal.

Next week is the true test in Dallas. Nationally televised game. It makes me think back to 2004, when the Eagles torched and embarrassed the Cowgirls on Monday Night Football, 49-21. McNabb was throwing TD's to TO back in those days, but now Terrell Owens plays for the enemy. The enemy is formidable, and this blogger will be getting rowdy for that game FO SHO.

Eagles 36, Cowboys 28. See you all next week.

"Take That China, You Little Bitch!"

2008-08-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

Undoubtedly solving our nation's economic problems and housing crisis from his iPhone, George W. Bush presided over the USA v. China matchup in Beijing on Sunday. Flanked by Daddy Bush and Jerry Colangelo, Dubby was spotted by the NBC cameras pumping his fists gleefully after alley oops and monster jams from LeBron and Co. In an odd twist of fate, I was at home pumping my fist with him, even shouting "Yee-haw, Dubby!" when I saw him pop up on my screen. The USA Men's Sr. National Basketball Team has stirred such a feeling of national pride within me that I even applauded Bush as he left with 7 minutes to go in the blowout victory, waving to the USA Women's Basketball team who reluctantly waved back. Well done, President Bush; America is still the best at something. USA! USA! USA!

The Americans were clearly the more talented side in this lopsided affair, but the game represented much more to the 1.3 billion Chinese citizens, and a USA basketball program in a dire state of disarray. After failing miserably in Athens 2004 (and yes, anything less than Olympic Gold in a sport we invented is failure), Team USA rolled into Beijing packing heat: LeBron. Melo. D-Wade. Dwight Howard. KOBE.

While the Dream Team would probably school these dudes, the "Redeem Team" has what it takes to bring Gold back to the Red White and Blue. And compared to the rest of the Olympic coverage, this team will entertain the shit out of you. You may even remember why you love America.

Just a few observations from the Redeem Team's 1st game:

* LeBron James is the best baller in the World. End of story. Hey, Kobe Bryant is amazing, and a phenomenon on his own right. But you want to tell me that LeBron wouldn't have won 3 rings playing with Shaq in his prime? Kobe is 29, the defending MVP, and at the peak of his physical prowess. But LeBron is 27 days younger than me - 23 - and has already surpassed Kobe in pure athleticism, and is a game-changing force on the court. He is the vocal leader of this team, his boys, my generation. All he has to do is improve that outside shooting and we're looking at the next President of the United States.

* Jim Boeheim on the bench. I love how Jimmy B, the coach of the Syracuse Orangemen hoops team, is Coach K's default sidekick. Or maybe he's just there to keep the pot-smoking, drunk-driving, headband-rocking Carmelo Anthony in check.

* They fucking LOVE basketball in China. Did you see that halftime feature? It seems like every teenage boy in China dons an NBA jersey and styles himself after Lil Bow Wow.

* Chris Bosh looks like a Velociraptor. I've never seen the mascot of a team the dude plays for actually morph said dude's physical appearance. The Toronto Raptors star also bears a strong resemblance to Robbie Mark Sinclair, the awkward teen son in the classic early-90's sitcom, The Dinosaurs.

* Between Deron Williams and Jason Kidd, this team has 1 white guy. JUST AN OBSERVATION. Like David Brent, I'm colorblind, seeing neither color nor race. Oh wait, I forgot about Tayshaun Prince - make that 1.5 white guys.

* Coke commercial is 1st class. LeBron and Yao are perfect global ambassadors for the sport of basketball, and two all-around good guys. The graphics and animation were top notch, and who doesn't love Coke? Globalization is awesome.

* No Iverson = What a huge difference. As the Denver Nuggets are now finding out, AI just ain't a winner. He's a self-aggrandizing asshole who is better suited for the And-1 Mixed Tape Tour than Team USA. With his shoddy play and bickering with Larry Brown at the 2004 Athens games, I blame Iverson FULLY for ending USA's dominant run in international competition.

* I'm buying a USA #15 Carmelo jersey. Done and done.

Karma Is A Bitch, Eh Mets Fans?

2008-07-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

The word aren't coming easy right now. I'm still recovering from last night's Phillies Mets game, another epic Phillies comeback that conjured up the magic from the 2007 pennant run. I managed to smuggle in my camera in the hopes of documenting Mets nerds in their natural habitat, the unforgivingly awful Shea Stadium. A friend of mine, who has Mutts season tickets, offered me his seats in the first row of the upper dish, first base side. The pitching matchup was Los Mets ace Johan Santana vs. the Phillies newly acquired hotdog eating champ, Fat Joe Blantana. With the teams tied for first in the National League East, entering the 100th game of the 2008 baseball season, it was a game I could not pass up.

The evening started out in typical Mutts fashion, with a slow 7 train ride through dreary Queens. For Benny Bubbles, it was his first Shit Stadium experience, and for me, perhaps my last.

As expected, we encountered no heckling whatsoever on the train ride. We got to the shit hole a little after 7:00, donning our Philly hats. Mets nerds of all shapes and sizes (mostly fat, with crustaches and hair-gel) were crawling everywhere. But still, no heckling. In Philly, Mutts fans are rightfully tormented from the moment they step out of their car. But I guess when your team blows a 7 game division lead with 17 games to play, and then fires their manager 40 some games into the next season, you really can't say much.

After all this went down, Benny Bubbles and I were forcibly removed from the game in the 8th inning. The score was 5-2 Mutts, and I figured it was probably good to get out of there before the guidos untucked their tails from their vaginas. We were threatened with arrest and given no reason as to why we were getting kicked out. It's quite ironic that we were escorted out by "Security", when it was the collective insecurity of the most feeble fan base in America that undoubtedly led to our departure. We were tattled on by somebody, for something, kindergarten style.

But, justice was served. On the 7 train ride back into Manhattan, word was spreading of a Phillies comeback. One guy had the game on his V-csat phone. The Phillies scored. And scored again. And soon, the score was 8-6, and the game was over. The good guys won, and that fact alone blunted the agony of missing the comeback in person.

My only regret is not doing something worth getting kicked out for. Like defecating over the railing onto the moussed up hair of the legions of guidos below. Next time, that's exactly what I'll do.

Farewell, Shit Stadium.

Utley Drops An F-bomb at the Homerun Derby

2008-07-15T09:20:00.001-07:00

There are asshole fans, and then there are ignorant, asshole fans. Ladies and gentleman, I give you Philadelphia and New York. Philly sets the bar pretty high for outlandish shenanigans and pissing on the fine line between acceptable belligerence and criminal behavior. But, for the most part, the Philly goons know their stuff. In New York, you got your typical tough guy asshole who knows about nothing outside of the five boroughs. They were booing Utley because they had no fucking idea who he was.

This is from the introductions that took place at Yankee Stadium last night before the ALL STATE Homerun Derby. Was Chase simply stoned, and forgot that he was mic'd up? Either way, Utley's status has risen dramatically in my eye.

Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Vote

2008-07-08T15:45:00.000-07:00

Democracy, in theory, is a utopia. Citizens of differing race, class, gender, and religion are bound by a government that grants them the right to vote. We the masses, in theory, elect the candidates that are best qualified to represent us and lead us. And, for a time - about 224 years - the system worked. America was a great place to live because of our democratic ideals. Then, we elected George W. Bush to be our 43rd president in 2000.

In light of that, it's no surprise that Americans don't know how to vote for the best baseball players to play in the Mid Summer Classic. Once again, the fans voted in a few random schlubs who didn't deserve the honor instead of, oh, I don't know, PAT BURRELL.

In his 9th (and so far, best) season in Red Pinstripes, Pat The Bat has turned the corner and been a feared force from the right side of the plate. But the Phillies most clutch hitter was not voted in by the fans, most of whom seem to hail from the Chicago and Boston areas (7 Cubs and 7 Red Sox???!!!)

Here's an excerpt from an email I received from Phan contributor Dicky Toe:

Burrell numbers aren't that great. They're decent. He may have "played with a lot of heart", but I didn't get to see it.

A little background on Toe. He's from the Philadelphia area, and grew up an avid Eagles fan. Unfortunately, his time in New England has poisoned his mind much like what happened to Anakin Skywalker in The Clone Wars. As a result, Dicky Toe now roots for the Red Sox, and regularly channels the Dark Side.

Burrell numbers not that great? Mr. Toe clearly has never heard of the most important hitting stat in baseball - OPS. It stands for On-base Plus Slugging Percentage, and it quantifies a hitter's ability to get on base AND hit for power. Anything over a .800 is good. Anything over a .900 is very good. And anything over 1.000 is elite.

Here are the OPS's for the outfielders elected by millions of retarded fans (mostly from Chicago) to rep the NL in the All-Star Game.

Starter - Braun: .865
Starter - Fukudome: .811
Starter - Soriano: .879
Reserve - Holliday: 1.002
Reserve - Ludwick: .944
Reserve - McLouth: .879

And PAT BURRELL? ----> .994

Fuck you, indeed. If you want to dig deeper, Burrell is posting a Bonds-like 1:1 BB:KK ratio (72 K's to 66 BB's as of 7/8/08). And if you ever WATCH the Phils, Toey, you'll quickly notice that Burrell rarely ever strikes out in a clutch situation (coughcoughRyanHowardcough). It's a far cry from the solo-shot hitting pretty boy who batted .209 in 2003. He doesn't swing at bad pitches. He's cut down on the hair gel. And he KILLS the Mets. I'm watching the Phillies play the Cardinals right now, and Burrell just doubled.

www.mlb.com. Click on that. Vote for Pat.

Now, here are the real starting lineups for the 2008 All-Star game, which the American League will almost certainly win.

NATIONAL LEAGUE

C Brian McCann (ATL)

Apologies to: Geovany Soto (CHI). McCann, the power-hitting Pillsbury dough boy, is the most talented catcher in the National League, and would be starting this game if he played in Chicago or New York.

1B Lance Berkman (HOU)

2B CHASE UTLEY

SS Hanley Ramirez (FLA)

3B Chipper Jones (ATL)

OF Nate McClouth (PIT)

Rumor has it PNC Park is threatening to pack up and leave town unless Pittsburgh can build a better baseball team. One of the breakout stars of 2008, McLouth is fully deserving of the fan vote.

OF Matt Holliday (COL)

Apologies to: Alfonso Soriano (CHI) and Ryan Braun (MIL). Soriano has been injured a lot, and Holliday is the best all-around OF in the league. Unfortunately for him, the Rockies are a mess this year and the crickets outnumber the fans at vacuous Coors Field.

OF PAT "Delaware Ave" BURRELL

See Above. He doesn't run well, but he parties harder than you pregame. Unfortunately, the fans voted for "Kosuke Fukudome," which sounds like it tastes really good. What a travesty.

NEXT POST - Either the Phan's American League All-Star Picks, or Passed Out At The Free Bon Jovi Concert in Central Park!

Live From The Roof

2008-07-01T10:32:00.000-07:00

Well it's past the half point of the 2008 MLB season, and who better to tell you about the state of baseball than the Penncrest High School Morning Announcements team from 2002.

Here is JK Jeezy, once the clean cut lead anchor of Penncrest's "A" news team. His enunciation and eye contact were borderline flawless, and the only blemish in his career was the one time he called Cheryl Jordan, "Ashwin Chaudhary."

Jeezy gives us an update on the horrid state of baseball in New York. Predictably, it's Los Mets that are causing all the problems.

"The state of baseball is in crisis. And Los Mets is the reason." Jot that down, kids.

For further clarification on Los Mets, and The Philadelphia Sillies, here is "The Shwin Spin On Sports." While my diction was usually poor to very poor, my pace, tone, and facial expressions are still talked about in Penncrest's Oral Communications classes today.

Next Post - Phillies Midseason Report Card. (Hypercritical rant)

Cayman Knockout

2008-06-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

So this is what we did down in the Cayman's, a.k.a. PARADISE. A nice little write-up for SI.com done by Charles Merritt, and a video for SI.com done by yours truly. Check it oot.

Getting On The Failboat

2008-06-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

Here's a glimpse of me during our FIVE HOUR DELAY at the Miami Airport en route to the Cayman Islands. On the whole, this video is not worth watching, and is probably amusing to only me and Charles (Just the tip). But it's probably the most negative, sarcastic, frustrated, and disheveled you will ever see me. There is a mention of fantasy baseball in there, so it manages to keep with the sports theme of this blog. I now hate Miami, too.

Ashwin and Charles TRY to go to the Cayman Islands ft. SST from Charles Merritt on Vimeo.

BOSTON MUST DIE

2008-06-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

The Boston Celtics are NBA Champions. News of this hit me hard, almost as hard as the realization that I'd lost my iPhone while exiting a taxi outside Laguardia Airport. The iPhone? It can be replaced, by the much cheaper model that comes out July 11th. The Celtics as champs? That's forever, man.

So now Boston has two defending champions. If you want to count the Patriots (who actually play in Foxboro, Mass, like idiots), then Boston sports teams have now won 6 titles this decade. As Philadelphians, it drives the dagger a little deeper into our collective bellies. To see a region which for a period of time defined sporting futility now become the hub of the sporting universe is... the exact opposite of what we wanted to see.

What's worse, on the same night that the Celtics won their 17th title, the Sox blanked the Phillies 3-0, behind a dominant pitching performance from young Jon Lester. The lanky lefty had no trouble slicing fastballs past Utley and Howard, and the question still persists whether the Phils' big bats are equipped to handle good pitching.

This post is too depressing. I LOST MY FUCKING iPHONE. And now I'm stuck at Miami airport, apparently 13 minutes away from boarding our flight that's already been delayed by 2 hours. Tropical Storm Miley Cyrus is starting to make her presence felt, and threatens to delay our flight another 2 hours. What is the deal with having an airport in Miami, anyway? Is it not like trying to fly the Millennium Falcon out of the Death Star? Here is a picture of Chewbacca throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game.

Shit sucks right now. I need a girlfriend, a phone, a haircut, 8 hours of sleep, and Boston to die. In that order.

Stanley Cup Finals Turing Into A Classic

2008-06-03T10:05:00.001-07:00

For anyone who didn't stay up to watch the Triple OT thriller Game 5 like I did, you missed a hell of a hockey game. Maybe it was Mike Emrick's hysterical play-by-play or the fact that it was a Monday, but that was the best hockey this e-blogger has watched in a long time.

Before the three intense overtime periods, there were three periods of scintillating regulation hockey. The Penguins came out and opened up a 2-0 lead in the first period, after having not scored a goal in Games 1 and 2 at Joe Louis Arena. Red Wings fans were silent, and the Penguins were finally skating with confidence against the more "experienced" Wings. Octopus, which had been worth $42.75 before the game, plummeted to $7.15 by the end of the first period. Detroiters, initially eager to hurl the traditional victory symbol on the ice in celebration of Cup glory, instead found themselves trading their mollusks for beer money.

But then, the Red Wings remembered Lord Stanley's trophy, which was in the house on this potentially auspicious night. They largely dominated the 2nd period, and although they only got 1 goal from Darren Helm, you got the sense that the momentum had shifted to the Red end of the spectrum. By the time Datsyuk scored on a power play early in the 3rd, the Wings were in control.

Blah blah blah, Pittsburgh scored with 30-some seconds to go, overtime was awesome this blog is over.

GET EXCITED, GET REALLY EXCITED

2008-05-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

The Phillies offense seems to be heating up with the weather, as they've dropped 35 runs in the past 2 games. Expect that to continue. Our friend Kalas Thoughts wisely tempered my enthusiasm by reminding me that the Fightin's really won't go anywhere unless they add another reliable starter. But isn't it conceivable that they could just outhit teams 66% of the time from here on out? Definitely.

While it's all feel-good for the Phils, the same can't be said in New York, where the guillotine blade draws ever closer to Willie Randolph's neck. Yankee fans don't have too much to cheer about either, as this fan points out:

So much more articulate than Mets fans. I actually like this guy.

Philadelphia Sports Hall of Shame: Jocelyn's Back Deck Edition

2008-05-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

I was asked to share my thoughts on the 10 worst Philly athletes of all time. What started as observations on Philly's most forgetful, turned into a bad trip down the dark memory lane that is Broad Street. We spent a lot of our time at the Vet.

...Thanks to Shwinny for the invitation and everyone else for their suggestions. 1st time blogger so go easy on me. This rides about to get bumpy. Here we go...

Philadelphia Sports Hall of Shame:
Jocelyn’s Back Deck Edition

10. Curt Schilling: The bloody sock and his affiliation with the Red Sox. The constant whining. His vocal support of the Bush Administration. If you can’t find a reason to hate this self-absorbed asshole, then you ain’t looking. But let’s stick to the Philly years.

Hey, Curt. Take the fuckin’ towel off your face and be a good teammate. This me-first shmuck refused to watch Mitch Williams throw off the mound in the ’93 World Series, and years later the whole world realizes it was just to get more face time.

After justifiably getting ripped on by Larry Andersen and Danny Jackson for the incident, Curt came back a year later with a solid 2-8 record with a 4.48 ERA.

Bottom Line: Asshole, Tool, Hack, Idiot. Are we sure Curt wasn’t describing himself when he used these words to describe the Boston Globe’s Dan Shaugnessy?

9. Charles Shackleford: Aside from being pals with Rae “Don’t Call Me Lewis” Carruth, taking bribes as a player at N.C. State, “Shack” is best known as one of the worst players to ever grace the NBA Hardwood (and there have been a few slugs to play since Naismith nailed up the peach basket).

Need I add more?

Bottom Line: How many games did the Sixers lose that season?

8. Billy Wagner: Once told reporters that fans need to cut him a break after getting booed for topping off at 99. Hey, Billy, is the word sarcasm left out of dictionaries in Wonderfuck, VA?

Huge. Fucking. Pussy. Subsuquently, fits in nicely in Queens. An overall disappointment for the Phils. An even bigger disappointment for the Mutts.

Statistically speaking, Billy’s numbers with the Phils weren’t too bad, but the home run Wagner surrendered to Biggio in the last frame of an important game in 2005 would be the difference as the Astros took the Wild Card from the Phils by 1 game.

Bottom Line: Billy’s found a way to work a Patriots hat into his wardrobe, maybe he needs to ask Belichick for some other ways to get a competitive edge as the wheels are falling off for Willie’s boys.

7. Shawn Bradley: They said he was going to revolutionize the game, and how true they were. The minute the ping-pong ball came up red and blue, it was $44 Million dollars down the drain. He spent two years in Australia as a Mormon missionary, but I think it’s safe to say Shawn never saw the light.

Bottom Line: Harold Katz’s boy-wonder matured into a career line of 8.1 PPG and 6.3 RPG.

6. Mike Mamula: His most infamous sack came in 1997, but we’re not talking about a hit on Troy Aikman, rather a charge of indecent exposure and lewdness. At an Allentown Bar during training camp, Mamula flashed a waitress who refused to serve him after last call.

The definition of an NFL combine fraud, Mamula was plagued by knee problems for much of his short career with the Eagles. Mamula had no problems dropping pants, but he sure had issues dropping into pass coverage for Ray Rhodes.

I remember being hungover one Sunday morning in Newton, MA feeling pretty lousy. It was after Boston College thwacked the Nittany Lions in what had to be one of the worst collective offensive performances of the decade. My stomach was trying to hide from my body like Zach Mills getting chased by Mathius Kiwanuka. However, after seeing a Mamula #59 jersey encased in a shrine at this yuppie haven, I immediately felt better knowing that the days of Mamula are history.

Bottom Line: I hear # 59 midnight green jerseys are still 80% off at the Granite Run Mall.

5. Mitch Williams: How could I leave Wild Thing off this list? While you probably didn’t crawl into your top-bunk and bury your head in your pillow and cry like a 6-year old when Joe Carter trotted around the Sky Dome base paths, you haven’t forgotten this regrettable move by Fregosi.

To make matters worse, Williams couldn’t even cut it as coach. Fired as the coach of the Atlantic City Surf for poor people skills and sloppy paperwork, Mitch is back in Philadelphia as part of the Phillies post-game show.

But, don’t think Williams has lost his edge. Just weeks ago, Williams re-earned the Wild moniker by cursing out a female ref at his daughter’s basketball game. Did I mention she’s in 5th grade?

Bottom Line: While Williams will be remembered as Philadephia’s Bill Buckner, any fan with half a brain knows it was Fregosi’s fault for throwing him in there.

4. Jose Mesa: Carlos Zambrano’s older, fatter, angrier brother, Mesa’s name is synonomous with wild pitches and that clashing Expo-blue glove. We all remember the summer of ’02 where Mesa seemed on a mission to destroy late-game leads.

And then there is the famous knock on Omar Vizquel, "Even my little boy told me to get him. If I face him 10 more times, I'll hit him 10 times. I want to kill him."

Bottom Line: With 75 career wild pitches, Joe Table is tops all-time among relievers in that category.

3. Travis Lee & Omar Daal: Let’s start with Lee. Sure, part of me is glad that we got rid of Schilling, but has there ever been a bigger offensive hole at 1B than the one created by the acquisition of Travis Lee?

Maybe the most apathetic player to ever suit up in red pinstripes not named Abreu.

As far as Daal goes, they said we traded away Curt Schilling to the Diamondbacks for a bag of baseballs, but in perspective it looks much worse than this.

This product of the trade’s fastball barely broke 80. He lacked control and command. If Bud Selig really wants to put more fans in the seats, he should find a way to get this home run factory back in game. Too bad for us, Daal is currently living in Arizona where he coaches his sons travel team. Yeah, we here those kids suck too.

Bottom Line: While at least Lee carried a glove, Daal was helpless in 2001 giving up a whopping total of 26 HRs. And this is when we played at the Vet.

2. Adam Eaton: Upon acquiring Eaton before the 2007 season, I had a friend once tell me that Eaton (overpaid after an average season in San Diego) was a good pitcher and would help lead the Phils to the playoffs. That same person told me that John Lieber would win 15 games with the Cubs in 2008.

Almost two years later and it seems that Eaton is doing everything in his power to prevent a Phillies team loaded with 3 MVPs (and we’re just talking infield here) from winning getting back to October.

Bottom Line: In 30 appearances with the Phils in 2007, Eaton maintained a solid 6.29 ERA. 5.40 in 2008 and the summer bats haven’t even heated up. Yo, Uncle Chuck. You reading?

1.Turk Wendell: Where do I start? Only a player like Turk could make a fan favorite for Los Mets faithful at Shea. Traded to the Phillies in 2001, Wendell (along with Dan Plesac) did his best to sabotage playoff hopes for Philly’s most faithful.

Whether it was the fondling of the rosin bags, the tooth brushing between innings, the outlandish comments (after plunking Vlad Guerrero, who took offense, Wendell told him he could "go back to the Dominican and find another line of work" if he didn't like it) the black licorice, or that ridiculous fuckin’ necklace, we all remember #99 (worn in honor of Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn”) well.

On a more positive note, let’s give Turk credit where it’s due. He wasn’t afraid to speak out against steroids abuse, once claiming that “of course” his then-teammate Sammy Sosa used steroids. (What’s next, a revelation that Garrett Reid is really into abandoned apartments and the Velvet Underground?). As well, Wendell visited troops overseas in Afghanistan in 2006 as part of the MLB’s “Heroes of the Diamond Tour.” While it is not known whether there is a correlation between this visit and the surge in troop deaths, I’m hearing that Reyes jerseys are selling like hot-cakes at Modell’s across Kabul.

Bottom Line: 7.47 ERA and 2.01 WHIP with the Phils in 2001. Maybe he should have stepped on the chalk after all.

Honorable Mention

Roberto Hernandez: Roberto Horrendous was awful for the Phils, and to make things worse, had the nerve to rip the fans after being here for like a month. Are you kidding me?

J.D. Drew: Still haven’t replaced my basement TV’s remote control batteries.

Armon Gilliam: What’s stinking up the Sixers offense? Just ask Sir Charles. Reporters did after a loss at the Spectrum, and Barkley proceeded to pinch his nose and point in Gilliam’s direction.

Torrence Small & Charles Johnson: Even by throwing these two together and you still don’t have half the receiver that FredEx was. Killed us in the 2001 NFC Title game.

Kevin Millwood: “Another episode of Deadwood tonight.” – 610’s John Gargano, prior to every Milwood start.

Todd Pinkston: If I have to give an explanation here, you obviously weren’t watching the 2003 NFC Championship game.

….So Misunderstood

I know I'm not alone in having a soft spot for these guys...

Freddie Mitchell: Hall of Shame? Try Hall of Fame for 4th and 26 alone. Blacklisted by Reid & Co. from the NFL, I know I’m not alone in saying I’d welcome the return of The People’s Champ any time

Scott Rolen: Busted his ass day in and day out for the Phils. Unfortunately, the media fueled the negativity towards him.

Eric Lindros: Sure, Forsberg, Ricci, and Duschane weren’t worth dealing for Eric, but he helped take us to the cup. Concussions took him to the golf course.

A Sensible Mets Fan?

2008-05-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

This man gets promoted from Mets Schlub to Mets Nerd.

Cleveland Rocks, and by Rocks I mean Sucks

2008-05-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

Sports Illustrated recently ran an article about Philly's athletic futility, commemorating the 100th combined season without a championship for the city's four pro sports teams. Hopefully, the SI cover jinx and tendency to always be wrong in their preseason predictions will create some good karma for us. I would rather read an negative SI story about Philadelphia than see McNabb on the NFL Preview issue.

What this article misses, however, is a city which fails harder than Jimmy Fallon in every movie he's ever been in. Even with only 3 teams, Cleveland, Ohio has managed to avoid winning anything for a combined 129 YEARS. The last time they won was in 1964, when the Browns won the NFL title. Aside from loser sports teams, Cleveland's weather is shitty, Drew Carey is fat, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (somehow) is the exact opposite of awesome.

Not funny to boot:

What is this, a skyline or something?

But hey, I'll take the negative publicity for Philly. It'll make it so much sweeter when the Eagles pimp that Lombardi Trophy down Broad Street.

The Curse Lives On

2008-05-18T18:04:00.000-07:00

Well... at least it wasn't a heartbreaker. You knew the Flyers were going to lose this one from the second they took that penalty in the 1st period. Timonen was back, but it didn't matter. Even a healthy Braydon Coburn, or Simon Gagne, would not have made a difference in this one.

The Penguins are simply a phenomenal collection of talent, a club for whom the stars have aligned once again. Marc-Andre Fleury is 23. Evgeni Malkin is 21. Sydney Crosby is 20. Jordan Staal is 19. That's RIDICULOUS. This group has the chance to surpass what Mario and Jaromir "Luigi" Jagr accomplished in the early 90's, winning back-to-back Cups in '91 and '92. No, we are looking at a potential dynasty more along the lines of the Gretzky-Messier-Kurri-Coffey led Oilers of the 80's.

Here's a picture of a barely concealed Mark Messier groping an autograph-seeking Gary Coleman to illustrate my point.

How did the Penguins get so good so fast? Well, it's probably because they were really bad for a really long time. A few straight years of drafting the #1 overall pick will eventually lead to a reversal in fortune, as we are seeing right now with the Tampa Bay Rays of MLB. But the fact that Pittsburgh's young guns are this good this soon is a scary thing for every team playing in the Atlantic Division.

So, where do the the Flyers go from here? The gap between the top-end talent on display for Pittsburgh and the Flyers should not discourage Philly fans, because reinforcement should be on the way. Down on the farm, forward Claude Giroux was the QMJHL's MVP in 2008, and should have a good chance of making the big club this fall. Another Flyers prospect, Middletown, NJ native James vanRiemsdyk, is developing nicely and will also have a shot to be on the roster in 2008-09. In Martin Biron, the Flyers finally have a true #1 goalie, despite the six goals he allowed on Sunday. The fragile yet super-fast Simon Gagne should be back as well to team with fellow Quebecois Danny Briere, a partnership that never materialized in 2007-08 due to Gagne's injury.

Flyers' prospect Claude Giroux:

The Flyers could use more depth at D next year, as their thin blue-line corps was exposed and exploited in the Pittsburgh series. Aside from that though, there is nothing really special the Flyers must do to return to the NHL's final four next year. Mike Richards had a breakthrough season, and is destined to wear the "C". Jeff Carter, RJ Umberger, Scottie Upshall, and Joffrey Lupul aren't going anywhere. The heart of this team is young, and should be back contending for the Cup in 2008-09. And when they get there, they might be facing a familiar foe.

Vengeance... Now?

2008-05-16T06:59:00.000-07:00

Yayyy the Flyers won a game, and the Penguins fans who brought brooms to the Wok Center can shove them up they asses. The Flyers came out too fast and too furious, putting 3 goals up and showing the Penguins some old time Flyers pride. Where that fire and passion was in games 1,2, and 3 is anyone's guess. Once again it was a roller coaster ride in the 2nd and 3rd, as the Flyers seemed a little anxious chasing down the speedy Pens. Until Game 4, the bigger Flyers hadn't so much as touched Crosby and co., so it was nice to see the physical activity and overall intensity return to the ice. Pittsburgh is a ridiculous 7-0 at home in the playoffs, but they're going to have a game on their hands on Sunday.

One big advantage the Flyers have is in the playoff beard department. Jeff Carter, Derian Hatcher, and Scott Hartnell are among the Orange and Black sporting the facial fur coat. The Penguins players may or may not have beards, I don't know off the top of my head. But all their key players seem incapable of growing facial hair. Malkin, who looks like he has Down syndrome, should be ashamed of himself for not having a beard, as a Russian. And Crustache Crosby may have one of the dirtiest upper lips in Western Pennsylvania, and that's saying something. I couldn't find a good picture of his mustache so here is Crosby at the launch of his fabulous fashion line.

If the Flyers can come out with the same fury in the first period of Game 5, then they have a chance. If they take bad penalties and let the Penguins skate, they can expect to be on the golf course Monday morning. But I maintain my prediction:

FLYERS IN 7

Around the NFC East

2008-05-14T15:51:00.000-07:00

2 years removed from narrowely losing his job, Coach Coughlin leads his defending champion NY Football Giants into the 2008 season in hopes of continuing the hot streak that resulted in them hoisting the Lombardi Tropy. It is more than likely DCoordinators Steve Spagnola's last year with them team, as he will more than likely move on to the greener pastures of a head coaching....49ers/Rams/Raiders?

Eli has proved he was worth the #1 pick and now look to become a more consistent QB that is as good as big brother. Behind him you have the Hefty Lefty, David Carr and rookie Andre Woodson....it's probably the end of the road for the Pillsbury Throwboy. The run game will be powered by the 3 headed monster of Jacobs, Bradshaw, and Ward. Shockey could have a break out season as he was not moved in the offseason and Boss should continue to develop. Plaxico is a proven stud, Amani Toomer is getting closer and closer to declaring for Social Security, Sinorice Moss did abolutely nothing his rookie year (doubtful he will follow through on his promise to have "a break thru year this year") and David Tyrees career peaked with the catch. The Giants drafted giggle-bush smoking Mario Manningham who has seemed to be getting worse and worse after leaving Michigan. This group benefited much more from a strong run game then people realize. However, as long as the oline stays healthy and Eli is consistent, the Giants should have no trouble moving the ball on offense.
Michael Strahan is still mulling retirement, and word on the street is that Osi is quietly pining for a new contract...which does not fair well for the Giant due to the massive contracts thrown at his position to Dwight Freeney and Jared "Wine 'Em, Dine 'Em, 69 'Em" Allen http://blogs.pitch.com/plog/2008/03/jared_allens_a_club_dedicated_to_the_man_--_and_to_all_things_69.php
Kawika Mitchell was lost to Buffalo, Antonio Pierce is a year older and Mathias Kiwanuka is sitll unproven at LB. Unless you see some incredible play from the interior line in Coefield, Robbins and Alford (whom, on a side note, I had GeoSci20 with as a freshman at Penn State...if you can call Jay showing up 1 time all semester as "going to class"...but hey, when you're rich, you don't write checks, Straight Cash Homey!) the Giants LBs will become a liability for the Defense. Aaron Ross, who was slowly weened into the defense, looks to be legit, while Sam Madison is garbage. Gibril Wilson was lost to the Black Hole of Oakland and thus rookie Kenny Phillips will be expected to step right in and play. Phillips will be wearing #21 in honor of fallen fellow Miami Hurricane Sean Taylor. If the d-ends continue to wreak havoc on quarterbacks, the secondary should easily holtheir own.
The Giants did not field a "great team" last year but knew what to do to win games when it counted. If they can stay healthy, they should easily make the playoffs but will have trouble duplicating last years success.

Get Flyered Up

2008-05-14T14:23:00.000-07:00

It's only happened in hockey history twice - and three times in the history of American pro sports. Coming back from a 3-0 deficit in a best-of-7 series happens about as often as [insert obscure reference here].

It happened in 1942, when the Toronto Maple Leafs turned the trick against Detroit. It happened in 2004, when the Red Sox (back when they were the good guys) stunned a dying New York Yankees dynasty in the ALCS. The last time it happened was in 1975, when the Pittsburgh Penguins blew a 3-0 series lead against the upstart New York Islanders. Interestingly enough, the Islanders nearly pulled it off again in the next round, forcing a 7th game but losing to the eventual Stanley Cup Champions: The Philadelphia Flyers.

While history may suggest that the odds are against the Flyers, there is still hope for the orange and black. All it takes is one bounce to go our way, to stem the tide of injuries that have prevented the Flyers from being able to skate with the slick Pens. Conventional wisdom may suggest that it's impossible to stop two superstars like Crosby and Malkin without your top 2 defensemen. But I've never been one to worry about history or conventional wisdom. Flyers in 7.

Observe the wrath of Philly: below, a Flyers fan hops in the box to rumble with legendary douchebag, Tie Domi.

Offseason? What offseason...

2008-05-12T07:22:00.000-07:00

Well it's that time of year again...sorta...if rookie minicamps and OTA's constitute the "start" of NFL preseason. For those die hard fans out there like myself, you found yourself looking for any and all NFL news related stories to get a good jump on the start Fantasy Football season (or just b/c you are looking for any way to pass the time while in your cube/personal workspace/box with no windows)

But anyways...

Finishing 8-8, the Eagles finished @ the bottom of the NFC East (still not too shabby considering one could make the case that the division is the toughest in the league) and didnt leave much for the fans to talk about. Once again, B-West carried the team, Reid justified his stance that he WRs are good enough with Curtis lodging 1000+ yards receiving and Donovan didn't look like D-Mac of young.
obviously, the o-line while dominant at times, is now 1 year old. runyan and tra (and yes, he changed it back to tra) thomas are in the last year of their deals and are eeking closer and closer to retirement. herremans and andrews should me mainstays in the middle...look for hte possibility of the big kid kicking out to tackle after next year. he played the position, where he protected Jags now converted white boy WR. @ backup you have some bodies that could be servicable. Jean-gillis should improve and winston justice needs to get in and play again. @ RB you have Westbrook and the newly acquired Lorenzo Booker...whom the eagles coveted since last year when he was taken in the 2nd by the 'fins. Parcells wants to assert his dominance with the #1 pick in Jake Long (and his terrible, terrible tattoo) and establish a power run game Miami and booker didn't fit the bill. bucky and hunt will compete, but look for the eagles to stay with youth. moats, who is surprisingly still on the team after being on IR last year, will be cut. You will see lots of packages with both Book and West as receiving threats out of the backfield. Chester's own dan klecko and fred davis will compete at FB.

We could see a lot out of our TEs this year. LJ was slapped, kris wilson is a is consistent and brent celek showed some flashes last year. reggie brown has never materialized past a 2, curtis has homerun ability but can't beat double teams...but this will hopefully change as desean jackson learns the offense. with his top end speed to go over the top, the true questions is whether or not he can stay healthy...(Kolb to Jackson for years to come?) he will have a lot to learn but will add value from the jump by returning punts.

the birds added one of the top prizes in F/A in Asante "Get Paid" Samuel to help increase their INT's which were the amongst the leagues lowest llast year. They have still and will use Lito during the season. No one made the eags a legitimate trade offer, so they will use him and sheldon to field a various different looks on defense. Mikell should not be starting and Dawkins is at the end. Hopefully the birds will begin to move Sheldon to safety/3rd cb more and more. Dawk is needs to be at SS and considine shouldnt be in the nfl. The LBs are a big ? with bradley moving to the middle, gaither to sam and gocong as the will. Jim Johnson likes this group and hopes he can protect them by keeping the dline fresh. @DT you have Patterson (who did not inhale), Broderick Bunkley who will be a probowler this year and rookie undersized speedster trevor laws....led the ncaa in tackles last year. exraider chris clemons and trent cole will start, with juqua (thomas) parker and abiamiri rotating in. The team thinks that they made some substanial additions to bolster the special teams with lb rocky boiman, te kris wilson and and lorenzo booker... whiched cost us quite a few games last year (so long, Reno...finally!) In terms of the draft, the eagles added DeSean Jackson, and should add some dynamics to the offense as he learns its nuances. Yes, he is under 6 foot, but his blazing speed and good hands should allow him to stretch the field and allow Donovan to get everyone involved in the offense. they also picked up carolina's #1 next year by passing on Pitt tackle Jeff Otah but looked on that sime line to take Mike McGlynn. Look for him to give Jackson a run at center. Safety Quentin Demps is a ballhawk, Wisconsin CB Jack Ike-u-gwana had first round potential before blowing out his knee so the eagles hopped on the high risk/reward with at 4th round pick. the Eagles will need to finish strong this year as their last month of football contains games with each one of their division foes. This is most likely Donovan's last year, whether the eagles win or lose. He has felt alienated as the Eagles continue to think that they have the talent to win now, but continue to invest in the future and not add legitimate "playmarkers" around him in the offseason. He will naturally go to the Bears as they passed again on taking a qb inthe draft and entrusting their team with....um....kyle orton from purdue and rex grossman, who furthers that notion that Florida cannot produce legitimate quarterbacks.) $5 to whomever can tell me the last player to go to college in Florida and be successful in the NFL. Kolb is another question mark but should have a strong cast around him by the time he takes over. He will have a lot to be considered amongst his division counterparts in eli, romo and up and coming jason campbell.

True Pheelings

2008-05-09T12:17:00.001-07:00

From the annals of Phan contributor JK Jeezy: A Philadelphian who has had the unfortunate experience of trying to enjoy a baseball game at Shea Stadium.

Los Nueva York Mets:
(1)Worst Stadium, (2)Worst Fans, (3)Worst Team in baseball history? True

1. Anyone whose ever taken a 7 train to Shea stadium for a Los Mets game knows it is an all around terrible experience...but what they may not know is that it is in fact the worst overall baseball experience since the game was conceived. Traveling to the wasteland of Queens in a train full of Mets nerd (or mets Guidos, even worse), with no tailgating possibilities is not how god intended baseball to happen. Ironically there are much nicer stadiums in the Dominican Republic, just too bad for Los Mets roster they've got to come all the way up here to play in Shea.

2. Mets fans write the book on fair weather fans and are notoriously nerdy and unattractive. The average Mets fan shows up around the 4-5th inning and is out by the 7th no matter the score...gotta beat the traffic. And I'm not sure what it is about the school system in the ny metro area that causes all of the most unattractive, socially awkward, and shamefully nerdy children to gravitate toward Mets...but its is a problem I'd bring up to your local PTA

3. Los Mets the team...most choke artists money can buy. It would probably help them out if all signs and communication was turned into spanish...but theres only so much you can do. Though i am a baseball purest...i do a lil bit of translating myself at game
Josssseeee....Carllllooos You suck!!!

Phillies Fans Stomp A Mets Schlub

2008-05-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

This is CLASSIC. Note the 12 weakling security nerds trying to hold that one guy down.

Los Mets Va A Ganar? Que Locura.

2008-05-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

Check out this schlub in the Shea Stadium parking lot for Mets opening day. Oddly, he seems very optimistic about his life, despite the sad fact that he's been in the Shea Stadium parking lot since 8:30 AM in anticipation of a New York Mets game.

Schlub [n] : A person regarded as clumsy, stupid, or unattractive; a New York Mets fan

Penguins Are Weak, Stupid Animals

2008-05-09T08:19:00.001-07:00

For everyone in Pittsburgh who claims they're a die-hard Penguins fan, shut the fuck up. Like you were outside Mellon Arena protesting when ownership was going to move the team to Nashville, and then New Orleans, and then Mexico City. Go eat some Roethlisburgers and vomit into one of those goddamn rivers. The Penguins are going to meet the same fate as those dumb birds in that movie March of the Something Something.

LET'S GO FLYERS

2008-05-09T07:46:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, May. One of the better months in sports, as the NHL and the NBA round the bend for the playoff stretch run and the baseball season sheds its winter coat of steroid allegations and whatnot. Well, at least until Roger Clemens roofies Miley Cyrus with HGH at a Jose Canseco barbeque.

For the sake of all the hockey fans in Mobile, Alabama, let's begin with the pride and joy of the Versus television network - the NHL Playoffs! Last night, the perpetually top-seeded Red Wings of the Motor City were in cruise control against the Dallas Stars (why is there a hockey team in Texas?). The Wings, whose roster reads much like the passenger list of a 19th century immigrant ship, seem to have maintained the same style of play since 1995. Valtteri Filppula? Johan Franzen? Pretty much every name on Detroit's team is showing up as 'misspelled' as I'm typing. Regardless, the Wings won't have much trouble with the Stars, and will be tough to beat the rest of the way.

Here's what one hockey fan had to say about the playoffs, before the start of round 2:

You can tell by his haircut that he's a hockey fan. Unfortunately for this puck pundit, he's going to be wrong. More on that later.

Fly With Us

2008-04-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

The Flyers are 10 wins away from a Stanley Cup championship! Okay, that might be getting a little head of ourselves, but there's a lot to like about this year's Fly Guys. After a one year hiatus from the playoffs, a core of young, gritty players are ushering in a new era of Flyers hockey. Forwards like Mike Richards and Jeff Carter are leading the team at the ripe young age of 22, and I'm going to look forward to watching them skate against the likes of Crosby, Malkin, and Ovechkin over the next 10-15 years. Puck-moving defenseman Braydon Coburn is a future all-star, and in Martin Biron the Flyers have finally found a reliable playoff goalie. What has been their undoing in past campaigns has become their greatest strength, as Biron has outplayed both Washington's Cristobal Huet and Montreal's Carey Price thus far in the playoffs.

Last night's 3-2 victory over Montreal was everything you'd want from playoff hockey. After cobbling together a 3-0 lead in the 2nd period, the Flyers once again made the game more interesting than it had to be when Derian Hatcher was sent off for a boarding penalty. The Canadiens were awarded a 5 minute power play, and scored 2 goals on the suddenly fragile Flyers. All throughout the Wachovia Center, the Phaithful were thinking, not again. Game 1 was still fresh in our minds, a monumental collapse that robbed the Flyers of a pivotal game 1 victory.

That night, I was working late and couldn't watch most of the game. I finally got out around 9:30, and immediately left with my boss to find the game at a bar. Three bars later, we finally found an Australian joint that was showing the game on CBC. Mike Richards was heading to the box with less than a minute to go and the Flyers up, 3-2. The Habs scored the tying goal to send it into overtime, and then sent the Molson Centre crowd into a frenzy with the game-winner :48 into the extra period. In the span of 2 Stella Artois and less than 2 minutes of hockey, we had seen 2 goals and my hometown team blow a crucial, crucial game.

But the Flyers, as they did in the 1st round against Washington, bounced back. They jumped out to another lead in Game 2, and held on for the win this time. That brings us back to Game 3, with the Flyers up 3-2 with a healthy 12 minutes left to play. Montreal was whizzing around the ice, going on rush after rush with quick passes through the zone. Marty B had shown terrific form up to that point, but it seemed like only a matter of time before the Canadiens would tie the game. But the Flyers expertly killed the rest of that penalty, and played the kind of smart hockey than could potentially carry them to Stanley Cup glory.

One final observation - Versus kept showing the replay of Mike Richards faking a jab to the face of backup Canadiens' goalie Jaroslav Halak, as if to show what a dirty play it was. Watching the game with no sound, I didn't know what the commentators were saying, but I had no problem with the play. Richards embodies everything the Flyers represent as a franchise: toughness and machismo, with a bit of gooniness thrown in there. Ever since the days of Dave Schultz and Bobby Clarke, the Flyers have had the reputation of being a dirty, rough, imposing squad. Richards is the perfect combination of the Broad Street Bully past and the new-look, fast and furious Flyers. His faux jab to the face was more an intimidation tactic than a dirty play, and in the context of Tom Kostopoulis's punch to the back of R.J. Umberger's head in Game 2, it could barely be considered retaliatory.

Game 4 in Philly on Wednesday. Prediction: Flyers 5, Canadiens 3. Anyone got tix?

Hello, blog reader

2008-04-29T08:28:00.001-07:00

Well, I finally cracked. After years of mocking the self-indulgent nerds who start internet blogs, I have started an internet blog. I suppose it's a little redundant to call it an "internet blog," but this is my first post, so shut up.

In this space you will have access to every nook and cranny of my mind. Initially, I'm going to censor the good stuff, while we get to know each other and develop a trusting relationship. But eventually, you can expect the details of my personal life to start leaking, with far-reaching repercussions I'm sure. For now, I'll just dish some facts about yours truly.

I'm a 23 year old digital video producer living and working in New York City; you know, the city with the 7 to 1 rat to human ratio. (There's got to be a way we can channel all these rodents into some renewable energy source, right?). I love New York, obviously, because I chose to live here, but it's worth mentioning a couple things I don't like about the city.

For one, there always seems to be a million cabs on the road, clogging the avenues, almost running you over when you try to cross the street. But when you need actually need a cab, there's never one to be found. And then you get the cab drivers who like to ask how you'd like to get to your desired destination. Why are you asking me? Don't you drive around the city all day? Usually I like taking the shortest route, but hey, what the hell - surprise me! Excuse me, what's that? Oh, never mind. I thought you were talking to me but now I see your earpiece.

Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. In future posts I'll try to write about more relevant issues, like politics, the economy, a little pop-culture, and a lot of sports. Being from the Philadelphia area, I bear the scars of my regions pro sports teams. Our consistent failure to win a world championship in the 4 major sports has shaped my world-view, and jaded me forever. It's just a game, my ass!